Lost friend

I get a little sad when I think about my friend “K” I was looking at my time hop app and the only post I had was 4 years ago. I was taking her wedding pictures. Now she is lost to meth and I have no idea where she is. We are both in the same town. If you believe in god I ask you send a small prayer and if you don’t just a positive thought goes a long way. I’m sure she could use it

sometimes

Sometimes its so hard for me to write.

sometimes i have so much to say.

sometimes I’ve no words to express really what i am feeling.

sometimes i feel like i have lost my mind.

sometimes i feel like I’m going crazy.

Sometimes i want to scream.

Sometimes i play it out perfect.

sometimes, most the time,

i just feel alone.

emotional roller coaster

Is it always the way of women to be an emotional roller coaster? I’m sure I am one too, as i said before i am very tied to my emotions. I do feel like that for someone that believes in fairytale endings that i am a little more realistic about life. I get that life is a complication of multiple tangled webs, multiple heart breaks, times of sadness. That is only part of it though. Life is also so much more than all of that!

i know that when life seems so hard, like nothing is going your way, you’re broke, you’re relationship is at a stand still, its easy to get down and upset about life. your life.

your life is what you let it be.

If it is your life then isn’t it up for you to decide?

people are always saying to me, “Bailee, grow up” “Bailee, you should worry more.”

i believe i worry plenty because man do i worry about all kinds of things. There is so much more than worry. Lots of other things are going on. Like love, family, new paths, most important there is chance, there is hope.

remember sometimes the shadow is you standing in your own light. Other times its the dark that means the light is near.

If only i could see the events that are unfolding in the way i usually do. Its hard when i am up against some ones feelings when the way they think is whatever is happening is world ending, life altering, and hating life all around.

i wonder so much how to make it better, to be there better, to do better all together.

maybe i should realize that i am doing more and better, maybe for once I’m really not the problem.

damn.

Secure in who I am

I may not be the world’a greatest writer, but I am one none the less.
I feel, as any kind of artist, that I am deeply connect to my emotions. Which is a blessing and a curse.
I want to talk when things are wrong.
I am secure in myself but that’s never the problem.

Forever thankful

People think money buys happiness.
I think you need money to make people happy. So it may buy happiness but it’s not me that money makes happy. I am happy that other people are happy in their lives. I think I learned this from my wonderful grandmother. She could have lots of money but it makes her happy to spend it on us. Even if you tell her no, she does what she wants. I’ll say I wouldn’t be as far in life if it wasn’t for her.
So this blog is for her. though she will never read this, I leave this as proof of her legacy. That happiness is won by doing what pleases you.

On a serious note

Why I’ve decided to unfollow the Facebook page To Write Love On Her Arms:

I was once a dumb kid. When I didn’t know what to do with my life and my parents were out of control and therefor so was my life. I used to hurt myself and now that I’ve grown up I feel like such a fool. I believe it is a sickness for some and a misguided way for others but then there is the third group. The ones I call trigger warners. When I was doing it i didn’t go tell the universe. I kept my problems to myself until I got help for myself and started becoming who I am today. So I understand needing to cry out for help. But they make fake profiles and post that they have taken a bottle of pills or are bleeding out. And then there they are the next day.
Where are these kids parents and when did it become okay to do or say these things.
Oh but don’t say anything that would actually help them. Because the rest shall attack. Like good lord, I know what I’m talking about. My life was crazy but the worst thing wasn’t the awful things life brings or my parents and their lives of chaos. No the worst thing was what I did to myself. I survived me. Thank god.
And if you are so sensitive that you would need something that said trigger warning, what are your doing on that page? It’s like a suicide note every other post.
I know I know I’m being kinda harsh.
But as someone who found out that life is more if you let it be and has come so far from the little kid who hurt themselves and didn’t post all over the net about it, I feel like I can say this with no regret.

Also if you are seriously hurting and are not doing it for attention then this was never for you. If you are hurting I ask that you get help and begin to really live and see life and fall in love and find peace in this world.
Either way suicide and self harm are no joke and if you or someone you know is hurting yourself go to a counselor or parent or friend. Someone.
Just get help.

Down the hole

Welcome into the world of confusion.
It’s where I seem to have a permeant residince. I some times feel like I’m Alice and I’ve fallen down to a new land. Were nothing makes sense and everything is backwards. Only I was born into it.
I hate the wonder if the relationship you are in is real. Is this it? Is this love? In love do you become an equal or does someone always love more?
How do you know if someone is passing time with you? Love is easy to fake. For everyone but me.

A lover?

Where does one begin to fit into another’s life.
Who are you to that person?
A lover?
Best friend?
Or something to pass along the time to a better opportunity?
And with out a word, you are left to figure out who you are to them.
Before the world had technology,
Was there less wondering?
Did one tell exactly what was meant because there was nothing other to do then be honest with one another about how you truly felt?
Who are you to them?
What are you?

Bored at work

I don’t like a job that I’m bored at.
While I’m takin my test and waiting for results, I have the easiest and worst job. Some of my friends say I’m crazy for hating it, but I just stand in the same place all day and do nothing.
Well I blog, play on my phone, chat it up with “T” and talk to a customer every few hours.
I get paid an okay amount an hour, not great, but enough.
I hate a job where I can’t succeed and do more to become more.
Instead I’m standing here wasting my life away for a small amount of pocket change. I’ve been here for awhile with my boss gone. No work to be done.
So bored.