life

I feel like such an idiot. Trying for a girl who was always a cheater and never what she said. I can’t believe I got fooled. I loved her so much and she told me she wanted to marry me.

I have a new apartment with a friend. I start a new job today. I am so depressed though :/ but we have to keep on keeping on.

Life doesn’t stop because love does.

dreaming

So dreaming is not something I do often. Normally  it black with just the sound of my thoughts all night. I do have a nightmare from time to time the same one I’ve had since I was a kid. So me and t still live together. I slept on the couch and she slept in my bed. I dreamt and it was a wonderful dream. I was out wth people camping and I met the most beautiful woman. Who wanted me. Who loved me. 

It’s just a dream. It was the first peace I’ve had since this started.

Should be

What to do with all my new found time. I don’t want to turn my blog into a pity me the love of my life left me. This currently is the only thing really happening in my life. I’m going to go Drink and sing with my friends at the bar tonight and I should be super excited but I’m not.

How do you smile

So I know earlier I was like I’m gona win her back no matter what blah blah blah but really were do I even began? How do I remind her why we love each other and why we can make it. 

How much space do I give? When am I giving to much? How do you smile through the hurt in your heart.

I have so much anxiety from all of this. I don’t know what to do for the first time in a long time in my life. I’m alone. 

……

Everyone expects me to do what I’ve done after every break up I’ve ever had. Have another girl get drunk and have another. Continue on that cycle til I feel like I’m numb enough to start over. I’m not that person anymore. I’m a woman madly and deeply in love with another. I don’t believe you give up on what you believe in. I know she still loves me. I know this can work. I also know if I truly want this I’m going to have to wait. Silence my outward suffering and put one foot in front of the other and continue forward. Then either way no matter what happens my life goes on. I truly believe you can mend the things we have gone through. I got to comfortable, that’s when you lose. She’ll never leave me we are together. She forgot how much she is worth to me. Reminders are needed. And time.

Lord give me strength to make a blessing out of this lesson.

Heartbreaks for love 

When you love some one their happiness is everything. When you love someone there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do to insure that they were happy, even if it cost you your own. I am going to be her friend, the second hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m leaving her because I don’t make her happy anymore, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. 

I don’t say this lightly, because I’ve been through many hardships.

When I was young my dad hit me and called me stupid. my mom was always on my weight and that I wasn’t girly enough. I almost married a woman who beat me. My mom was in and out of prison for drugs. My step dad for attempted manslaughter. My family fell apart and my dads fighting my step mom to see my brothers and sister. When they fight I don’t get to see my siblings much. I’ve made it through a lot in life. It sucked but I made it. 

So the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is break my own heart for love. 

break up 

So the end happened.

I’m single for the first time in 2 & 1/2 years.

My heart is so broken. I gave my all and tried everything to make it better. You can’t force the people who love you to love you back. I also lost my job and my birthdays in 4 days. I’ll be 26 and I have to start all over. I live in a town were I don’t really have family or many friends and right now I feel so alone.

my fairytale

I am a believer of fairytale endings. I know it’s not like the books we were read as children but i believe my happily ever after is there. I just don’t feel like much of a “princess” lately. I’m not one who needs to be given everything. Things I do need I’m not getting. I crave for her skin against mine. For her love to be there in a kiss.  She asked me to be her girlfriend and then her wife. We are barely dating. I feel so alone. I just want to be loved and held. My life seems to be in short supplies.  She says she loves me but she can’t give me reasons. I’m funny or just because are things you tell people when you don’t really love them much anymore, from my experience anyways.

I’m just ready to be loved.