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There is so much That is fucked up inside of me. That’s dark and full of secrets.

I was one of the worst people I’ve ever known for the longest time. 

I caused more heartaches and suffering then I want to admit. 

I’ve been a cheater and a liar. I’ve done so much wrong

I remade myself into a good person. I was born from two dark, selfish, weak willed people. 
I made me strong, conscious of others, more then the average.

But when it comes down to it….I’ve been the worst of the worst.
I remade myself and was able to love and be loved. By allowing myself to feel I finally had my heart broken for the first time. I was allowed to really care for others. Be concious of my actions, my words, my heart. I feel weaker then I ever have. But to give into emotions. To give everything into the connections you make with people, it’s beautiful. Rather it ends sad, happy, confusing, whatever it is. You can find beauty. All you have to do is look. Stop chasing for the perfect life and find the perfection in the chaos.  I accept the bad in me. I accept all parts of me. I accept I can’t always be on point with others but I can still be happy. There is always light, even if the only light around is the one inside of you.

This is my life, I am here. I fight for myself and for all people. I fight to be the difference the world needs. If you can be connected to anyone in the world, by what like 3-6 people, then anything you do could change the world.

Be different. Be bold. Love and be loved. Fight for yourself, you deserve it.

broken all over again

“T” says she wants me back. the first time she can prove it she doesnt. its been over two months now. i started talking to a new girl. we will name her “X” because i dont want to put their names. its my blog but its their lives.

i just really thought “T” was serious about loving me and wanting me. I dont see it because she only just told me she wanted me again. No i wasnt sure what to do. I thought she hated me…I have countless text and a letter stating that she does. when she told me things where changing i couldnt trust that she would. I kept waiting. I needed to see if she was going to be different. we both needed to be.

As soon as i got there last night (to her house) I was getting off the phone with a friend and she started in on me.

are you talking to your girlfriend “X” blah blah blah better call her back, better go text her, better go be with her. ALL THE TIME I WAS THERE. she never stopped. i begged her and begged her to not do this. She just kept pushing me away from her instead of showing me she would fight for me. God did i want her to fight. I wanted her actions to match the words and promises she had told me. instead i cried myself to sleep and now my eyes are so swollen..i still want to cry today. i really thought she wanted me. I feel so foolish. i had no reason to trust her.

i never expected her to be perfect, to always say the right things, not even to always know when i needed her. I only wanted her to be there. to see that i am worth it. she says i never fought for her. But God knows i did.  when we were together i read up on how to be better for her. i read articals and self help books. i talked to online counselors. I tried to hard to be a better person. I fought since we had been broken up.  now some might say you didnt fight to hard if you already met another girl. I wasnt out looking when i met her. i was with some friends at one of their aunts birthday parties. i wasnt out looking for a new girl. i was just having a beer and hanging with friends. I even chanced hurting this girl because i was waiting for “T” to see if she would really want me.

Now im just broken all over again.

the things we do to ourselves.