broken all over again

“T” says she wants me back. the first time she can prove it she doesnt. its been over two months now. i started talking to a new girl. we will name her “X” because i dont want to put their names. its my blog but its their lives.

i just really thought “T” was serious about loving me and wanting me. I dont see it because she only just told me she wanted me again. No i wasnt sure what to do. I thought she hated me…I have countless text and a letter stating that she does. when she told me things where changing i couldnt trust that she would. I kept waiting. I needed to see if she was going to be different. we both needed to be.

As soon as i got there last night (to her house) I was getting off the phone with a friend and she started in on me.

are you talking to your girlfriend “X” blah blah blah better call her back, better go text her, better go be with her. ALL THE TIME I WAS THERE. she never stopped. i begged her and begged her to not do this. She just kept pushing me away from her instead of showing me she would fight for me. God did i want her to fight. I wanted her actions to match the words and promises she had told me. instead i cried myself to sleep and now my eyes are so swollen..i still want to cry today. i really thought she wanted me. I feel so foolish. i had no reason to trust her.

i never expected her to be perfect, to always say the right things, not even to always know when i needed her. I only wanted her to be there. to see that i am worth it. she says i never fought for her. But God knows i did.  when we were together i read up on how to be better for her. i read articals and self help books. i talked to online counselors. I tried to hard to be a better person. I fought since we had been broken up.  now some might say you didnt fight to hard if you already met another girl. I wasnt out looking when i met her. i was with some friends at one of their aunts birthday parties. i wasnt out looking for a new girl. i was just having a beer and hanging with friends. I even chanced hurting this girl because i was waiting for “T” to see if she would really want me.

Now im just broken all over again.

the things we do to ourselves.


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