Lost

I like to think I’ve myself as different then other people. Because I love unconditionally and am a hopeless romantic, I thought that made me different. A little it does but not in the ways I had believed. I still stay in the same situations that most do. “In the name of love.”

What makes me the same, is that more then not a person will do anything for love. Putting up with things they said they never would, staying after life changing events, heartaches.  I regret nothing. 

I think it’s time to start controlling my heart some instead of letting it control me. The world is a different place. There are less human connections. Which makes no place for the ones who have the need to truly know others and see them, to be there and show love.

The thing about women is they say they want the one who will be there, the one that will love them forever, the good hearted one. They don’t though, they want the one who is wrong, the one that doesn’t have good morals, the one who would never be all that you are willing to be,  and the one that would not have stayed when you did. I hate to be so negative and I’m sure there are other women like me that really do want these things and would really have it. Modern love isn’t compassionate or understanding. People used to write sonnets confessing there love, raw and real. I wish there was a place for me in this world so I might not be so lonely. I am okay by myself and with myself. I just feel unseen.

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My life 

I hate that I’ve given you to much power of my life. To much control of my emotions. To many chances. I hate that I am empty. I hate that I have to act like I’m okay while I’m breaking. I hate that I keep getting put down. I hate that I believe the empty promises of change. The promises of chances. I hate that I let myself continue to feel as though I deserve this. I hate my life and I hate that I allow this to be my life.

I don’t hate that I love you. I don’t even hate you. 

But I still don’t want to leave. I’ve waited this long.

Reality

There are many realities throughout life. The is the one you live in, the one everyone else does (that is their individual own), and the one that none of us know. The one we don’t know is the real world. The sum of each one of us as an individually.  We make up the world. As one person it is impossible to know it. This is because we do not know the reality of the ones we are closest too, let alone the strangers of this life. It is with the philosophy of reality that this idea I have is born. When you are wanting to change the world and feel as though nothing you do will ever be good enough think of this:

If you change, no matter good or bad, the sum of the reality of the world is changed. You changed it by becoming more or less of what you were. Therefor it would change everything everywhere. We sometimes for get the importance of life and the realization that our life’s have rippling effects. Ones that go beyond our own knowledge and beyond what we think we can reach. It’s with this same thought, that I realized that I can changed it I feel about the reality I’m choosing. I choose to be in this reality. The one you have all gotten to read about. Where I felt sorry for myself, whined relentlessly, and forgot to live my life. The world reality comes to us daily but it’s how I decide to handle my reality. It’s simply interpreting things in a more positive way. It’s reaching out and touching someone with love, respect, and selflessness. Because when you stop trying to change people by force and just love them, love yourself, and just live in the present reality all things change. The world is changing.

I’m just fine

What you don’t hear about in stories or on movies, is when you fight for some one, it affects your life more then you would have ever thought.

I’ve been working out of town 3 days a week. Training in a town 2 hours away for my job. When I’m there in stressed from not staying in my bed and being in a store I won’t work once mine opens. When I’m home I’m stressed to be home.

It’s like walking on eggshells. Will I saw the wrong things, will this get my called an asshole, will saying how I’m hurting get me left. Living with a girl who doesn’t really want me. Doesn’t really want to let me go. I’m saving up money because If whatever this is, ends  again, I refuse to live with anyone like I had to last time.

But the anxiety I get from her wanting me one moment and not the next. From always having to wonder if I did something wrong. With feeling ashamed that I am so sensitive. The anxiety from feeling so very much unwanted.

It’s all I can do to smile, to hold the tears from rushing out from my soul. To pretend everything’s okay.

I’m just fine.

My secret 

Sometimes the screams almost burst from my chest. I just want you to see me and all I do. All the pain I push aside. All the times you don’t see me cry. I feel my soul cracking, my hearts already broken. Yet still I stay and love you. How I feel has never really matter so it’s easy for me to look past the fact you ignore me. I am happy but I’m equally sad.

It’s the most confusing of times. But I’ll do it in silence. I’ll do this alone. I always have and it seems I always will.

left for dead

If I have learned anything in the last three years, it would be that I’m unlovable, worthless, and crazy.That is what you’ve shown me.

Then because I actually feel things I’m a monster. At least I feel, at least I care how I treat others. If it doesn’t help you, you don’t help it. If it doesn’t go with how or what you think, it doesn’t matter. Yet in spite of all your flaws, I love you anyways. 

I am worth some much more then you care to give me. I deserve so much more then you see and decide is acceptable.

I am worth something.

I am a person. Someone with feelings and someone who cares.

Now I’m starting to care about all the pain I’m feeling. I thought fighting for you was romantic. Because you act like you want it. Right before you rip my mending heart back out of my chest and leave me to see if I survive. 

I’m barely breathing this time.

You left me for dead.

And you’re getting your wish.