I always have felt alone my entire life. I remember as a kid, I couldn’t have been older then whatever age you are in first grade, praying to God for siblings so I wouldn’t be alone anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as alone as I do right now. I don’t mind being alone but the weight of the loneliness I feel is suffocating me. I have 10 more days here, though it’s already changed me in so many ways I can’t wait to leave. I don’t have a home to go back to. I don’t have anything anymore. How do you start over for the millionth time? I have everything working out for me, a career that pays well. My heart can’t take life, my brain can’t stop but pushing the future forward. I’m so good now at pretending to be happy even I almost forget how sad I actually am. Then the tide changes and the waves crash in. I don’t even have anyone to talk to. No one that will really listen anyways. I’ve said a million times “I don’t feel as lonely as now” but truly this is honestly the worst.
I think it’s ridiculous to have a day to celebrate having someone to love. I mean that’s what your damn anniversary is for. Why have a holiday that puts down so many people who feel undeserved.
It’s not like I’m saying this just because I’m single. I’ve never liked Valentine’s Day. I’m a hopeless romantic even. It just really breaks my heart because I know how bad it sucks to feel unworthy of love.
Well I still haven’t seen Florida besides the airport to the hotel and the hotel to work. I’ve made a few new friends. Mostly I’m alone. Don’t get me wrong I totally love my own company and I don’t mind being alone usually. That’s when I’m at home and comfortable with my own things. I have the option to not be alone. When you don’t have that option it’s lonely.
Work went well. I mean I didn’t do anything and now I have to study. Seriously the book they gave me is ridiculous! It’s for sure 20 days worth of learning and I get to keep it for my store. Which means I’ll be able to train everyone correctly. Have my managers on point.
I’m ready for my first adventure here. I’m off on Sunday’s and don’t work very late the days I do work. I want to go to the beach. Even if it’s to cold to get in, I just want my feet in the water for a moment. To be apart of something greater then myself.
So this is my last night at home. I feel my heart breaking, yet a new adventure does bring happiness. To feel both emotions at once is always so weird. Im excited to leave but at the same time I’m not ready for everything with her to be different. I guess one rarely is when they aren’t the one that wants an end. Tomorrow anything is possible. I just have to be open to new things and don’t spend the next month focusing on how much my life sucks. It does but it doesn’t.
I have a lot to be thankful for and that’s what I need to remember.
I wrote my goodbye letter to her today. Since I leave Monday morning. She is dropping me off at the airport. This letter is it. It is the final words for a love story that didn’t work out. I’ve gone beyond the normal range for this love and I find that maybe the best way I can love her is to end the way it was. Let her become someone new with out me. It’s scary because it changes me too. This means as soon as I step through the airport security I’ve changed my entire life. So Monday is the end and beginning. I just hope that I’m strong enough to make it through whatever comes my way.
Starting Monday I will document the change. That’s what I started writing for anyways. To put my thoughts and my life out there. Maybe to make a difference in someone else’s.
I will actually start writing. I’ve told myself a million times. I’m leaving for Florida for a month on Monday. Where I know absolutely no one. What better time to get myself in check with my writing.
Everyday, every adventure, every moment I’ll use to bring myself back to life.
I leave for 20 days, very far from Texas, to Florida. Maybe you read that and think “yeah that’s not far dummy”
To me it is. I barely leave the town I live in. It’s a good adventure I suppose, training for work. I’m a general manager these days. When I get back I’m supposed to move out because me and “T” finally are done. I hate it and it’s definitely her and her decision. I just want her to be happy.
So this is it. I start my life over the same I did a year ago because of things with her. I’ve got the career down, house when I return, what about love? Staying clear of it! I feel out of love, like I don’t have much of it to give to myself or my family. So a girlfriend is definitely not on the todo list. 2016 has to be completely different then last year. I can’t take another year of hell. I don’t mind the bad things that happen as long as good things do as well.