I look were it tells me to put a title, right now I don’t know what to put. I dont know what it is that i want to be writing right now. I just know I want to write, that I have SO much that I want to say. More than I know how to say. I’ve been googling things that im upset about, trying to find something that will help me figure out the answer. I know there are no answers online to my problems. I guess we just live in a world were everything can be found on google. One thing Google doesn’t tell you with your endless search is that if you have to type ” i think my relationship might be over” it’s probably over. If you have read any of my constant babble in any of my post, then you know that me and T have been off and on. So many times of heart-break, disappointment. I’ve been working on myself lately, I want to reach a state of peace. I need a state of peace. Then it dawned on me that its probably that she just doesnt love me anymore. Maybe we went through too much and just broke it. I am still in love with this womans beautiful soul. I think I always will be. She has fallen out of love with me. I kept telling myself pretty little lies, ones that keep us ok and together. She doesnt love herself so how could she even love me. She is so stuck in her own problems and head now, that she doesnt even know me anymore. I feel like i share a bed with a stranger, a stranger that i strangely want to marry. I miss my best friend so much. Her body is still here everyday as we go through our life, but i am mourning the loss of my best friend. So now here I am, still trying after 5 years of ups and downs. I just dont have any strength for it. How can I find any peace, hope, or faith in such a toxic household? When will she finally be done with me or find herself again. I’m screaming again and still no one can hear me.
I’m so tired of being who I’ve been. I used to be more. Well I also have been less. But who am I? All the time I ask myself this because I’m not always sure who I am. Who I’m supposed to be. I wish I had all the right answers. About love, life, just anything. Just really at least one right answer. I hardly know who I am at all right now. I’ve been lost for so long. Life is constantly changing and I’m supposed to evole with it. I can barely write. I’ve been trying too. Normal when I’m upset about something poetry just rolls out of me. For once I’m at a lose of real explanations of where I’m at.
But I’m positive I can find myself.
It’s been a while. Always more promises of writing. Never actually finding the time.
The time I’m finding at this moment is walking to unlock the door for work. Turning off an alarm that likes to be difficult Off.
Reading all the tacky notes this old man leaves who hates me because he is in his 60s and I’m 27. I’m his boss, for the second time. He does everything he can to make it look like I’m failing. I’m doing his paper work for last night. It has to be done before the morning can start. Yet I’m the bad manager.
Every moment at this place is hell. My air conditioner doesn’t even work.
Let’s turn on the fryers. My cook will be mad if their job isn’t done.
Not to mention my life still revolves around “T”
Who wants me. But doesn’t.
I stay around.
My job sucks.
My home life sucks.
I’ve felt like crying all day for the past few days.
I don’t though. I can’t, there isn’t any time for it at the moment. So I hold it in, I smile, and I work hard helping my team. Being a great boss who is equally hated and liked.
I never thought I’d be this adult. I guess I always believed I’d be more by now. I have to be more then this. I can not spend the rest of my life as the general manager of a food place. I mean there isn’t anything wrong with this profession. It’s just not meant for me.
Well I’m always working, always a manager. Never anytime to enjoy the things I love. Then when I have a chance to do something I don’t. My heart and mind tends to be in one place while my life is in another. It’s like being a robot. Wake up, work, eat, sleep..repeat.
Always moving through the motions. Always survive. This is what I’ve always done. My life has been a multitude of survival lessons, long and tedious. With short breaks of peace.
Re-energize, a moment to catch my surroundings. Life begins again. Be strong, shut off who I am. Waiting to be myself for that one moment of breath. Who am I when I’m not myself? I’m everyone and no one.
Feeling everything around me, yet being a numb shell.
So much has happened since I started this blog.
My life, honestly my whole being, has changed. I’m changed forever. Love can change you, losing love can change you. Finding yourself in love with who you are becoming, had been the biggest change. I’ll admit sometimes at night, all alone in my house the moments before I go to sleep, I fear, I cry, I pray and go to sleep.
I wake up every morning, go for a run clear my mind, shower and work most the day. Spend time with my dog and cat. Wash the clothes, forget to eat some days because I’m so tired. Wake up and do it again.
I’m stronger today then I was when I first began. I still hurt over “T” to be honest. I think it’s something I’ll always carry a little. I thought I’d be her forever but she deserves something that I’m not sure I can give, how to give. That’s okay though because I still get to cheer her on to happiness and watch her grow into someone new herself. I am so excited for her. She’s my best friend, I want the best for her. Even if it means not being with me. I’m okay. I have a whole new life ahead as well. I’m not looking for someone to be with, no girl to hook up with. I’m just content with who I am right now and I love spending time alone. My back yard is God’s gift to me for a place to find my peace again in such a busy life.
This last year and a half has been a wild emotional roller coaster for me. Getting to become this new person has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, even if it hurt to get here. I’ll for ever be stronger from it.
I always have felt alone my entire life. I remember as a kid, I couldn’t have been older then whatever age you are in first grade, praying to God for siblings so I wouldn’t be alone anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as alone as I do right now. I don’t mind being alone but the weight of the loneliness I feel is suffocating me. I have 10 more days here, though it’s already changed me in so many ways I can’t wait to leave. I don’t have a home to go back to. I don’t have anything anymore. How do you start over for the millionth time? I have everything working out for me, a career that pays well. My heart can’t take life, my brain can’t stop but pushing the future forward. I’m so good now at pretending to be happy even I almost forget how sad I actually am. Then the tide changes and the waves crash in. I don’t even have anyone to talk to. No one that will really listen anyways. I’ve said a million times “I don’t feel as lonely as now” but truly this is honestly the worst.
Well I still haven’t seen Florida besides the airport to the hotel and the hotel to work. I’ve made a few new friends. Mostly I’m alone. Don’t get me wrong I totally love my own company and I don’t mind being alone usually. That’s when I’m at home and comfortable with my own things. I have the option to not be alone. When you don’t have that option it’s lonely.
Work went well. I mean I didn’t do anything and now I have to study. Seriously the book they gave me is ridiculous! It’s for sure 20 days worth of learning and I get to keep it for my store. Which means I’ll be able to train everyone correctly. Have my managers on point.
I’m ready for my first adventure here. I’m off on Sunday’s and don’t work very late the days I do work. I want to go to the beach. Even if it’s to cold to get in, I just want my feet in the water for a moment. To be apart of something greater then myself.
So this is my last night at home. I feel my heart breaking, yet a new adventure does bring happiness. To feel both emotions at once is always so weird. Im excited to leave but at the same time I’m not ready for everything with her to be different. I guess one rarely is when they aren’t the one that wants an end. Tomorrow anything is possible. I just have to be open to new things and don’t spend the next month focusing on how much my life sucks. It does but it doesn’t.
I have a lot to be thankful for and that’s what I need to remember.
I leave for 20 days, very far from Texas, to Florida. Maybe you read that and think “yeah that’s not far dummy”
To me it is. I barely leave the town I live in. It’s a good adventure I suppose, training for work. I’m a general manager these days. When I get back I’m supposed to move out because me and “T” finally are done. I hate it and it’s definitely her and her decision. I just want her to be happy.
So this is it. I start my life over the same I did a year ago because of things with her. I’ve got the career down, house when I return, what about love? Staying clear of it! I feel out of love, like I don’t have much of it to give to myself or my family. So a girlfriend is definitely not on the todo list. 2016 has to be completely different then last year. I can’t take another year of hell. I don’t mind the bad things that happen as long as good things do as well.
There are many realities throughout life. The is the one you live in, the one everyone else does (that is their individual own), and the one that none of us know. The one we don’t know is the real world. The sum of each one of us as an individually. We make up the world. As one person it is impossible to know it. This is because we do not know the reality of the ones we are closest too, let alone the strangers of this life. It is with the philosophy of reality that this idea I have is born. When you are wanting to change the world and feel as though nothing you do will ever be good enough think of this:
If you change, no matter good or bad, the sum of the reality of the world is changed. You changed it by becoming more or less of what you were. Therefor it would change everything everywhere. We sometimes for get the importance of life and the realization that our life’s have rippling effects. Ones that go beyond our own knowledge and beyond what we think we can reach. It’s with this same thought, that I realized that I can changed it I feel about the reality I’m choosing. I choose to be in this reality. The one you have all gotten to read about. Where I felt sorry for myself, whined relentlessly, and forgot to live my life. The world reality comes to us daily but it’s how I decide to handle my reality. It’s simply interpreting things in a more positive way. It’s reaching out and touching someone with love, respect, and selflessness. Because when you stop trying to change people by force and just love them, love yourself, and just live in the present reality all things change. The world is changing.