The words you’ll never hear but I scream them inside

I really am done this time I will remember the good things about you 

I will hold them close and not let this Break me completely

I hope that you can move past all the bad and remember me as good.

I cut the ties between us in hope that we both find true happiness.

As long as I am tied to you and this is your path I can not be happy.

I maybe broken for some time after but peace will find me eventually even if i have to wait for death to be the one to fulfill it.

I will love you always.

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So much of nothingness

Well I’m always working, always a manager. Never anytime to enjoy the things I love. Then when I have a chance to do something I don’t. My heart and mind tends to be in one place while my life is in another. It’s like being a robot. Wake up, work, eat, sleep..repeat. 

Always moving through the motions. Always survive. This is what I’ve always done. My life has been a multitude of survival lessons, long and tedious. With short breaks of peace.

Re-energize, a moment to catch my surroundings. Life begins again. Be strong, shut off who I am. Waiting to be myself for that one moment of breath. Who am I when I’m not myself? I’m everyone and no one. 

Feeling everything around me, yet being a numb shell. 

Forever Stronger 

So much has happened since I started this blog.

My life, honestly my whole being, has changed. I’m changed forever. Love can change you, losing love can change you. Finding yourself in love with who you are becoming, had been the biggest change. I’ll admit sometimes at night, all alone in my house the moments before I go to sleep, I fear, I cry, I pray and go to sleep.

I wake up every morning, go for a run clear my mind, shower and work most the day. Spend time with my dog and cat. Wash the clothes, forget to eat some days  because I’m so tired. Wake up and do it again. 

I’m stronger today then I was when I first began. I still hurt over “T” to be honest. I think it’s something I’ll always carry a little. I thought I’d be her forever but she deserves something that I’m not sure I can give, how to give. That’s okay though because I still get to cheer her on to happiness and watch her grow into someone new herself. I am so excited for her. She’s my best friend, I want the best for her. Even if it means not being with me. I’m okay. I have a whole new life ahead as well. I’m not looking for someone to be with, no girl to hook up with. I’m just content with who I am right now and I love spending time alone. My back yard is God’s gift to me for a place to find my peace again in such a busy life.

This last year and a half has been a wild emotional roller coaster for me. Getting to become this new person has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, even if it hurt to get here. I’ll for ever be stronger from it.

left for dead

If I have learned anything in the last three years, it would be that I’m unlovable, worthless, and crazy.That is what you’ve shown me.

Then because I actually feel things I’m a monster. At least I feel, at least I care how I treat others. If it doesn’t help you, you don’t help it. If it doesn’t go with how or what you think, it doesn’t matter. Yet in spite of all your flaws, I love you anyways. 

I am worth some much more then you care to give me. I deserve so much more then you see and decide is acceptable.

I am worth something.

I am a person. Someone with feelings and someone who cares.

Now I’m starting to care about all the pain I’m feeling. I thought fighting for you was romantic. Because you act like you want it. Right before you rip my mending heart back out of my chest and leave me to see if I survive. 

I’m barely breathing this time.

You left me for dead.

And you’re getting your wish.

New formation

  I’m always questioning where to draw lines in life. I think I have found that there are two lines to every situation. 

The first line. It’s the one you should have paid attention too. The one you walked right over without a second thought. The one that could have saved you from feeling the way you do right now.

The second line. It’s the one you make without realizing its formed from the shattered pieces of your soul. The one thing you forgot to protect as you tried so hard to make things right.

I can’t feel the line forming. I continue to fight it. Picking up the pieces trying to find the right places as it all falls back into its new formation.

Generations from now 

People are always on how I am overly emotional. How I am to much.

The thing is though, we live in a world that has gone cold. We, as the life forms that live in this world, have lost our humanity. While you say I’m to much, I think I’m the last of the life before technology made us mindless zombies. There are no connections except online. It’s sad. Even I’ve fallen into it a little. I mean I blog, have social networks, etc.

I prefer no texting, no phones, no internet. I want real connections, I want to know you. Not the badass you paint online. Who are you? What makes you smile, what touches your heart, what do you like to read, do you write, play instruments, what’s your favorite color? I could learn about people forever.

My heart is deeply saddened by the ending of such a necessary part of humanity. What will these lead too? What will the generations to come have? Will they know any connections?  What will happen to love? To friendship? To family bond? 

when

When you want to scream. But it wouldn’t matter. She doesn’t see you. Or maybe just doesn’t care.  It’s like I have never mattered. All the change and work I’ve put in. With no help. With feeling more and more like a monster the better I’ve changed. To not giving up because of love. Because she keeps me here for us never to actually be. I just want my life back. Not even my old one, just my life. No story is ever going to be written the way you want it. But should I just give up and start a new chapter? 

Where do you place the line? When do you cross it to move on? When do you give up on the love that will stick to you for the rest of your life. When do you let your families feel the loss with you. When do you give all your dreams together up?

I don’t want to lose her.

But it’s like I don’t even have her anyways…

Like I never actually did.

change in the world.

A lot has been going on in my life since i haven’t been blogging. my grandmother suddenly ended up in the nursing home and died a few days later. i just really was taken back on how fast everything happened.

she was a wonderful lady. she had an a busy life and she did the best with what she had. when my youth minster told my preacher who told my dad that i was gay, it didn’t go to well. my nana told me that my parents were dumb for being mad at me and there was nothing wrong with me, it didn’t change who i have always been and they just couldn’t see that.

she really influenced me to be stronger in who i am even when other people try to change my ways. i am so thankful that she was in my life and her influence on the world will live on through me because i will one day teach my children who will teach theirs on from there. so you could say, in a way, she changed the world.

Blink in time

My nana died today
She was 74.
People say she lived a long life.
74 years is a long time compared to our thought of time.
When you compare it to the dawn of the human race it’s compared to minutes. When we are gone our loved ones mourn but people move on and our existence comes to an end.
If you compare my age to hers
I’m 1/3 done with my life.
I’ve done nothing, I am just another blink in time.

I need to do more.
Her death has taught me that.