Positively lostĀ 

I’m so tired of being who I’ve been. I used to be more. Well I also have been less. But who am I? All the time I ask myself this because I’m not always sure who I am. Who I’m supposed to be. I wish I had all the right answers. About love, life, just anything. Just really at least one right answer. I hardly know who I am at all right now. I’ve been lost for so long. Life is constantly changing and I’m supposed to evole with it. I can barely write. I’ve been trying too. Normal when I’m upset about something poetry just rolls out of me. For once I’m at a lose of real explanations of where I’m at.

But I’m positive I can find myself.

The words you’ll never hear but I scream them inside

I really am done this time I will remember the good things about you 

I will hold them close and not let this Break me completely

I hope that you can move past all the bad and remember me as good.

I cut the ties between us in hope that we both find true happiness.

As long as I am tied to you and this is your path I can not be happy.

I maybe broken for some time after but peace will find me eventually even if i have to wait for death to be the one to fulfill it.

I will love you always.

What will you have

I know when I should not be with someone. In the aspect of I know that I would not be good for them. Nothing against me or them, just not everyone can be a fit. I would like to think in this I am wise in love.

As for knowing when someone shouldn’t be with me. That is another story all together. Anyone who has been in my blog long can attest the truth as well. 

I’ve also asked a million times, who am I? I know more now then I did before. I am a lover in a world growing cold, I am a poet in a world only knowing celebrity gossip, I am different.

I still believe in true love and I know most think it’s a school girls fantasy. Is it though? Can something pure still happen in this world? Yes, the answer is simple and complex. Would you allow something great to happen or would you let fear, bitterness, or loneliness keep you just close enough to smell the truth but never divulge in the sensational taste of love.

Will you stay for someone who can never say anything wonderful about you? Will you stay for the one who plays with your heart as if it where a rag, cleaning up their messes with your heart. 

Will you find a partner who respects you, adores you, listens to you when you’re sad. Someone who is your rock when your world is falling apart. Someone who is going to let you be all this back for them. Shared with a love so strong that storms may alter the waters but in a time of dark, each of you are your own light.

What will you decide to have?

What will I?

Words come to life

Tonight I don’t even know where to begin with my thought process of this writing. What will later seem like I can’t shut about about struggles to find the right way to began to come to life.

Have you ever noticed that if you ever did something to someone, that later on if they do it to you, you still end up being the person in the wrong. Again.

It’s easy to call people names, tell them they are bad in some way. I’m an offender of such. I have let my mouth get away and say things that have better ways to be said.

If you are consistently telling someone they are shitty, bitchy, whining, not strong enough, etc. then yes eventually they will find themselves as shitty as you say. Why? Because even those of us that “don’t care what others think of us” we still care what the ones we love think. It is natural too. If someone loves you, even if they hate you actually, you should be watchful of what your mouth may speak into this already harsh world. 

Let us learn to speak more gently to one another. For what you speak truly does come to life.

So much of nothingness

Well I’m always working, always a manager. Never anytime to enjoy the things I love. Then when I have a chance to do something I don’t. My heart and mind tends to be in one place while my life is in another. It’s like being a robot. Wake up, work, eat, sleep..repeat. 

Always moving through the motions. Always survive. This is what I’ve always done. My life has been a multitude of survival lessons, long and tedious. With short breaks of peace.

Re-energize, a moment to catch my surroundings. Life begins again. Be strong, shut off who I am. Waiting to be myself for that one moment of breath. Who am I when I’m not myself? I’m everyone and no one. 

Feeling everything around me, yet being a numb shell. 

Forever StrongerĀ 

So much has happened since I started this blog.

My life, honestly my whole being, has changed. I’m changed forever. Love can change you, losing love can change you. Finding yourself in love with who you are becoming, had been the biggest change. I’ll admit sometimes at night, all alone in my house the moments before I go to sleep, I fear, I cry, I pray and go to sleep.

I wake up every morning, go for a run clear my mind, shower and work most the day. Spend time with my dog and cat. Wash the clothes, forget to eat some days  because I’m so tired. Wake up and do it again. 

I’m stronger today then I was when I first began. I still hurt over “T” to be honest. I think it’s something I’ll always carry a little. I thought I’d be her forever but she deserves something that I’m not sure I can give, how to give. That’s okay though because I still get to cheer her on to happiness and watch her grow into someone new herself. I am so excited for her. She’s my best friend, I want the best for her. Even if it means not being with me. I’m okay. I have a whole new life ahead as well. I’m not looking for someone to be with, no girl to hook up with. I’m just content with who I am right now and I love spending time alone. My back yard is God’s gift to me for a place to find my peace again in such a busy life.

This last year and a half has been a wild emotional roller coaster for me. Getting to become this new person has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, even if it hurt to get here. I’ll for ever be stronger from it.

Endless

I think I may be just tired and it’s getting to me, But I’ve been thinking.

And probably too much.

But I’m kind of tired of investing so much into people. People expect others to fix them or use them to blame for their selfish or harmful ways. It’s like everyone is claiming to be a saint but no one shows their colors until later. 

I know that’s life or whatever.

Then I started noticing the people who, yes may still be “broken” in some way or another, but they are out there giving the shirts off their back to all these people who don’t appreciate it. And they are all missing out on each other because they are caught up with these people. 

It’s endless.

Damn.

I always have felt alone my entire life. I remember as a kid, I couldn’t have been older then whatever age you are in first grade, praying to God for siblings so I wouldn’t be alone anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as alone as I do right now. I don’t mind being alone but the weight of the loneliness I feel is suffocating me. I have 10 more days here, though it’s already changed me in so many ways I can’t wait to leave. I don’t have a home to go back to. I don’t have anything anymore. How do you start over for the millionth time? I have everything working out for me, a career that pays well. My heart can’t take life, my brain can’t stop but pushing the future forward. I’m so good now at pretending to be happy even I almost forget how sad I actually am. Then the tide changes and the waves crash in. I don’t even have anyone to talk to. No one that will really listen anyways. I’ve said a million times “I don’t feel as lonely as now” but truly this is honestly the worst.

Florida

Well I still haven’t seen Florida besides the airport to the hotel and the hotel to work. I’ve made a few new friends. Mostly I’m alone. Don’t get me wrong I totally love my own company and I don’t mind being alone usually. That’s when I’m at home and comfortable with my own things. I have the option to not be alone. When you don’t have that option it’s lonely.

Work went well. I mean I didn’t do anything and now I have to study. Seriously the book they gave me is ridiculous! It’s for sure 20 days worth of learning and I get to keep it for my store. Which means I’ll be able to train everyone correctly. Have my managers on point. 

I’m ready for my first adventure here. I’m off on Sunday’s and don’t work very late the days I do work. I want to go to the beach. Even if it’s to cold to get in, I just want my feet in the water for a moment. To be apart of something greater then myself. 

 

Last Night

So this is my last night at home. I feel my heart breaking, yet a new adventure does bring happiness. To feel both emotions at once is always so weird. Im excited to leave but at the same time I’m not ready for everything with her to be different. I guess one rarely is when  they aren’t the one that wants an end. Tomorrow anything is possible. I just have to be open to new things and don’t spend the next month focusing on how much my life sucks. It does but it doesn’t.

I have a lot to be thankful for and that’s what I need to remember.