Positively lostĀ 

I’m so tired of being who I’ve been. I used to be more. Well I also have been less. But who am I? All the time I ask myself this because I’m not always sure who I am. Who I’m supposed to be. I wish I had all the right answers. About love, life, just anything. Just really at least one right answer. I hardly know who I am at all right now. I’ve been lost for so long. Life is constantly changing and I’m supposed to evole with it. I can barely write. I’ve been trying too. Normal when I’m upset about something poetry just rolls out of me. For once I’m at a lose of real explanations of where I’m at.

But I’m positive I can find myself.

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The words you’ll never hear but I scream them inside

I really am done this time I will remember the good things about you 

I will hold them close and not let this Break me completely

I hope that you can move past all the bad and remember me as good.

I cut the ties between us in hope that we both find true happiness.

As long as I am tied to you and this is your path I can not be happy.

I maybe broken for some time after but peace will find me eventually even if i have to wait for death to be the one to fulfill it.

I will love you always.

What will you have

I know when I should not be with someone. In the aspect of I know that I would not be good for them. Nothing against me or them, just not everyone can be a fit. I would like to think in this I am wise in love.

As for knowing when someone shouldn’t be with me. That is another story all together. Anyone who has been in my blog long can attest the truth as well. 

I’ve also asked a million times, who am I? I know more now then I did before. I am a lover in a world growing cold, I am a poet in a world only knowing celebrity gossip, I am different.

I still believe in true love and I know most think it’s a school girls fantasy. Is it though? Can something pure still happen in this world? Yes, the answer is simple and complex. Would you allow something great to happen or would you let fear, bitterness, or loneliness keep you just close enough to smell the truth but never divulge in the sensational taste of love.

Will you stay for someone who can never say anything wonderful about you? Will you stay for the one who plays with your heart as if it where a rag, cleaning up their messes with your heart. 

Will you find a partner who respects you, adores you, listens to you when you’re sad. Someone who is your rock when your world is falling apart. Someone who is going to let you be all this back for them. Shared with a love so strong that storms may alter the waters but in a time of dark, each of you are your own light.

What will you decide to have?

What will I?

Words come to life

Tonight I don’t even know where to begin with my thought process of this writing. What will later seem like I can’t shut about about struggles to find the right way to began to come to life.

Have you ever noticed that if you ever did something to someone, that later on if they do it to you, you still end up being the person in the wrong. Again.

It’s easy to call people names, tell them they are bad in some way. I’m an offender of such. I have let my mouth get away and say things that have better ways to be said.

If you are consistently telling someone they are shitty, bitchy, whining, not strong enough, etc. then yes eventually they will find themselves as shitty as you say. Why? Because even those of us that “don’t care what others think of us” we still care what the ones we love think. It is natural too. If someone loves you, even if they hate you actually, you should be watchful of what your mouth may speak into this already harsh world. 

Let us learn to speak more gently to one another. For what you speak truly does come to life.

Finally a ramble

It’s been a while. Always more promises of writing. Never actually finding the time.

The time I’m finding at this moment is walking to unlock  the door for work. Turning off an alarm that likes to be difficult Off.

Reading all the tacky notes this old  man leaves who hates me because he is in his 60s and I’m 27. I’m his boss, for the second time. He does everything he can to make it look like I’m failing. I’m doing his paper work for last night. It has to be done before the morning can start. Yet I’m the bad manager.

Every moment at this place is hell. My air conditioner doesn’t even work.

Let’s turn on the fryers. My cook will be mad if their job isn’t done.

Not to mention my life still revolves around “T”

Who wants me. But doesn’t.

I stay around.

My job sucks.

My home life sucks.

I’ve felt like crying all day for the past few days.

I don’t though. I can’t, there isn’t any time for it at the moment. So I hold it in, I smile, and I work hard helping my team. Being a great boss who is equally hated and liked. 

I never thought I’d be this adult. I guess I always believed I’d be more by now. I have to be more then this. I can not spend the rest of my life as the general manager of a food place. I mean there isn’t anything wrong with this profession. It’s just not meant for me.

Forever StrongerĀ 

So much has happened since I started this blog.

My life, honestly my whole being, has changed. I’m changed forever. Love can change you, losing love can change you. Finding yourself in love with who you are becoming, had been the biggest change. I’ll admit sometimes at night, all alone in my house the moments before I go to sleep, I fear, I cry, I pray and go to sleep.

I wake up every morning, go for a run clear my mind, shower and work most the day. Spend time with my dog and cat. Wash the clothes, forget to eat some days  because I’m so tired. Wake up and do it again. 

I’m stronger today then I was when I first began. I still hurt over “T” to be honest. I think it’s something I’ll always carry a little. I thought I’d be her forever but she deserves something that I’m not sure I can give, how to give. That’s okay though because I still get to cheer her on to happiness and watch her grow into someone new herself. I am so excited for her. She’s my best friend, I want the best for her. Even if it means not being with me. I’m okay. I have a whole new life ahead as well. I’m not looking for someone to be with, no girl to hook up with. I’m just content with who I am right now and I love spending time alone. My back yard is God’s gift to me for a place to find my peace again in such a busy life.

This last year and a half has been a wild emotional roller coaster for me. Getting to become this new person has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, even if it hurt to get here. I’ll for ever be stronger from it.

Endless

I think I may be just tired and it’s getting to me, But I’ve been thinking.

And probably too much.

But I’m kind of tired of investing so much into people. People expect others to fix them or use them to blame for their selfish or harmful ways. It’s like everyone is claiming to be a saint but no one shows their colors until later. 

I know that’s life or whatever.

Then I started noticing the people who, yes may still be “broken” in some way or another, but they are out there giving the shirts off their back to all these people who don’t appreciate it. And they are all missing out on each other because they are caught up with these people. 

It’s endless.

Just a few days

I leave for 20 days, very far from Texas, to Florida. Maybe you read that and think “yeah that’s not far dummy”

To me it is. I barely leave the town I live in. It’s a good adventure I suppose, training for work. I’m a general manager these days. When I get back I’m supposed to move out because me and “T” finally are done. I hate it and it’s definitely her and her decision. I just want her to be happy. 

So this is it. I start my life over the same I did a year ago because of things with her. I’ve got the career down, house when I return, what about love? Staying clear of it! I feel out of love, like I don’t have much of it to give to myself or my family. So a girlfriend is definitely not on the todo list. 2016 has to be completely different then last year. I can’t take another year of hell.  I don’t mind the bad things that happen as long as good things do as well.  

 

Reality

There are many realities throughout life. The is the one you live in, the one everyone else does (that is their individual own), and the one that none of us know. The one we don’t know is the real world. The sum of each one of us as an individually.  We make up the world. As one person it is impossible to know it. This is because we do not know the reality of the ones we are closest too, let alone the strangers of this life. It is with the philosophy of reality that this idea I have is born. When you are wanting to change the world and feel as though nothing you do will ever be good enough think of this:

If you change, no matter good or bad, the sum of the reality of the world is changed. You changed it by becoming more or less of what you were. Therefor it would change everything everywhere. We sometimes for get the importance of life and the realization that our life’s have rippling effects. Ones that go beyond our own knowledge and beyond what we think we can reach. It’s with this same thought, that I realized that I can changed it I feel about the reality I’m choosing. I choose to be in this reality. The one you have all gotten to read about. Where I felt sorry for myself, whined relentlessly, and forgot to live my life. The world reality comes to us daily but it’s how I decide to handle my reality. It’s simply interpreting things in a more positive way. It’s reaching out and touching someone with love, respect, and selflessness. Because when you stop trying to change people by force and just love them, love yourself, and just live in the present reality all things change. The world is changing.

I’m just fine

What you don’t hear about in stories or on movies, is when you fight for some one, it affects your life more then you would have ever thought.

I’ve been working out of town 3 days a week. Training in a town 2 hours away for my job. When I’m there in stressed from not staying in my bed and being in a store I won’t work once mine opens. When I’m home I’m stressed to be home.

It’s like walking on eggshells. Will I saw the wrong things, will this get my called an asshole, will saying how I’m hurting get me left. Living with a girl who doesn’t really want me. Doesn’t really want to let me go. I’m saving up money because If whatever this is, ends  again, I refuse to live with anyone like I had to last time.

But the anxiety I get from her wanting me one moment and not the next. From always having to wonder if I did something wrong. With feeling ashamed that I am so sensitive. The anxiety from feeling so very much unwanted.

It’s all I can do to smile, to hold the tears from rushing out from my soul. To pretend everything’s okay.

I’m just fine.