Good Grief

I look were it tells me to put a title, right now I don’t know what to put. I dont know what it is that i want to be writing right now. I just know I want to write, that I have SO much that I want to say. More than I know how to say. I’ve been googling things that im upset about, trying to find something that will help me figure out the answer. I know there are no answers online to my problems. I guess we just live in a world were everything can be found on google. One thing Google doesn’t tell you with your endless search is that if you have to type ” i think my relationship might be over” it’s probably over. If you have read any of my constant babble in any of my post, then you know that me and T have been off and on. So many times of heart-break, disappointment. I’ve been working on myself lately, I want to reach a state of peace. I need a state of peace. Then it dawned on me that its probably that she just doesnt love me anymore. Maybe we went through too much and just broke it. I am still in love with this womans beautiful soul. I think I always will be. She has fallen out of love with me. I kept telling myself pretty little lies, ones that keep us ok and together. She doesnt love herself so how could she even love me. She is so stuck in her own problems and head now, that she doesnt even know me anymore. I feel like i share a bed with a stranger, a stranger that i strangely want to marry. I miss my best friend so much. Her body is still here everyday as we go through our life, but i am mourning the loss of my best friend. So now here I am, still trying after 5 years of ups and downs. I just dont have any strength for it. How can I find any peace, hope, or faith in such a toxic household? When will she finally be done with me or find herself again. I’m screaming again and still no one can hear me.

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The words you’ll never hear but I scream them inside

I really am done this time I will remember the good things about you 

I will hold them close and not let this Break me completely

I hope that you can move past all the bad and remember me as good.

I cut the ties between us in hope that we both find true happiness.

As long as I am tied to you and this is your path I can not be happy.

I maybe broken for some time after but peace will find me eventually even if i have to wait for death to be the one to fulfill it.

I will love you always.

What will you have

I know when I should not be with someone. In the aspect of I know that I would not be good for them. Nothing against me or them, just not everyone can be a fit. I would like to think in this I am wise in love.

As for knowing when someone shouldn’t be with me. That is another story all together. Anyone who has been in my blog long can attest the truth as well. 

I’ve also asked a million times, who am I? I know more now then I did before. I am a lover in a world growing cold, I am a poet in a world only knowing celebrity gossip, I am different.

I still believe in true love and I know most think it’s a school girls fantasy. Is it though? Can something pure still happen in this world? Yes, the answer is simple and complex. Would you allow something great to happen or would you let fear, bitterness, or loneliness keep you just close enough to smell the truth but never divulge in the sensational taste of love.

Will you stay for someone who can never say anything wonderful about you? Will you stay for the one who plays with your heart as if it where a rag, cleaning up their messes with your heart. 

Will you find a partner who respects you, adores you, listens to you when you’re sad. Someone who is your rock when your world is falling apart. Someone who is going to let you be all this back for them. Shared with a love so strong that storms may alter the waters but in a time of dark, each of you are your own light.

What will you decide to have?

What will I?

Endless

I think I may be just tired and it’s getting to me, But I’ve been thinking.

And probably too much.

But I’m kind of tired of investing so much into people. People expect others to fix them or use them to blame for their selfish or harmful ways. It’s like everyone is claiming to be a saint but no one shows their colors until later. 

I know that’s life or whatever.

Then I started noticing the people who, yes may still be “broken” in some way or another, but they are out there giving the shirts off their back to all these people who don’t appreciate it. And they are all missing out on each other because they are caught up with these people. 

It’s endless.

Just a few days

I leave for 20 days, very far from Texas, to Florida. Maybe you read that and think “yeah that’s not far dummy”

To me it is. I barely leave the town I live in. It’s a good adventure I suppose, training for work. I’m a general manager these days. When I get back I’m supposed to move out because me and “T” finally are done. I hate it and it’s definitely her and her decision. I just want her to be happy. 

So this is it. I start my life over the same I did a year ago because of things with her. I’ve got the career down, house when I return, what about love? Staying clear of it! I feel out of love, like I don’t have much of it to give to myself or my family. So a girlfriend is definitely not on the todo list. 2016 has to be completely different then last year. I can’t take another year of hell.  I don’t mind the bad things that happen as long as good things do as well.  

 

I’m just fine

What you don’t hear about in stories or on movies, is when you fight for some one, it affects your life more then you would have ever thought.

I’ve been working out of town 3 days a week. Training in a town 2 hours away for my job. When I’m there in stressed from not staying in my bed and being in a store I won’t work once mine opens. When I’m home I’m stressed to be home.

It’s like walking on eggshells. Will I saw the wrong things, will this get my called an asshole, will saying how I’m hurting get me left. Living with a girl who doesn’t really want me. Doesn’t really want to let me go. I’m saving up money because If whatever this is, ends  again, I refuse to live with anyone like I had to last time.

But the anxiety I get from her wanting me one moment and not the next. From always having to wonder if I did something wrong. With feeling ashamed that I am so sensitive. The anxiety from feeling so very much unwanted.

It’s all I can do to smile, to hold the tears from rushing out from my soul. To pretend everything’s okay.

I’m just fine.

left for dead

If I have learned anything in the last three years, it would be that I’m unlovable, worthless, and crazy.That is what you’ve shown me.

Then because I actually feel things I’m a monster. At least I feel, at least I care how I treat others. If it doesn’t help you, you don’t help it. If it doesn’t go with how or what you think, it doesn’t matter. Yet in spite of all your flaws, I love you anyways. 

I am worth some much more then you care to give me. I deserve so much more then you see and decide is acceptable.

I am worth something.

I am a person. Someone with feelings and someone who cares.

Now I’m starting to care about all the pain I’m feeling. I thought fighting for you was romantic. Because you act like you want it. Right before you rip my mending heart back out of my chest and leave me to see if I survive. 

I’m barely breathing this time.

You left me for dead.

And you’re getting your wish.

New formation

  I’m always questioning where to draw lines in life. I think I have found that there are two lines to every situation. 

The first line. It’s the one you should have paid attention too. The one you walked right over without a second thought. The one that could have saved you from feeling the way you do right now.

The second line. It’s the one you make without realizing its formed from the shattered pieces of your soul. The one thing you forgot to protect as you tried so hard to make things right.

I can’t feel the line forming. I continue to fight it. Picking up the pieces trying to find the right places as it all falls back into its new formation.

Generations from now 

People are always on how I am overly emotional. How I am to much.

The thing is though, we live in a world that has gone cold. We, as the life forms that live in this world, have lost our humanity. While you say I’m to much, I think I’m the last of the life before technology made us mindless zombies. There are no connections except online. It’s sad. Even I’ve fallen into it a little. I mean I blog, have social networks, etc.

I prefer no texting, no phones, no internet. I want real connections, I want to know you. Not the badass you paint online. Who are you? What makes you smile, what touches your heart, what do you like to read, do you write, play instruments, what’s your favorite color? I could learn about people forever.

My heart is deeply saddened by the ending of such a necessary part of humanity. What will these lead too? What will the generations to come have? Will they know any connections?  What will happen to love? To friendship? To family bond? 

when

When you want to scream. But it wouldn’t matter. She doesn’t see you. Or maybe just doesn’t care.  It’s like I have never mattered. All the change and work I’ve put in. With no help. With feeling more and more like a monster the better I’ve changed. To not giving up because of love. Because she keeps me here for us never to actually be. I just want my life back. Not even my old one, just my life. No story is ever going to be written the way you want it. But should I just give up and start a new chapter? 

Where do you place the line? When do you cross it to move on? When do you give up on the love that will stick to you for the rest of your life. When do you let your families feel the loss with you. When do you give all your dreams together up?

I don’t want to lose her.

But it’s like I don’t even have her anyways…

Like I never actually did.