Finally a ramble

It’s been a while. Always more promises of writing. Never actually finding the time.

The time I’m finding at this moment is walking to unlock  the door for work. Turning off an alarm that likes to be difficult Off.

Reading all the tacky notes this old  man leaves who hates me because he is in his 60s and I’m 27. I’m his boss, for the second time. He does everything he can to make it look like I’m failing. I’m doing his paper work for last night. It has to be done before the morning can start. Yet I’m the bad manager.

Every moment at this place is hell. My air conditioner doesn’t even work.

Let’s turn on the fryers. My cook will be mad if their job isn’t done.

Not to mention my life still revolves around “T”

Who wants me. But doesn’t.

I stay around.

My job sucks.

My home life sucks.

I’ve felt like crying all day for the past few days.

I don’t though. I can’t, there isn’t any time for it at the moment. So I hold it in, I smile, and I work hard helping my team. Being a great boss who is equally hated and liked. 

I never thought I’d be this adult. I guess I always believed I’d be more by now. I have to be more then this. I can not spend the rest of my life as the general manager of a food place. I mean there isn’t anything wrong with this profession. It’s just not meant for me.

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oh life 

So since I’ve last blogged life has been insane! I’ll start off with the great news…me and T are back together. Working on everything and making ourselves stronger as individuals and as a couple. 

So I had talked to this girl while we were broken up. The new girl we call K

So K and I both happily got back with the women we loved. T has been extremely mature about the situation. Now as for K’s girl she is really winning the award for most crazy. She has tried to run me over, called me names, and tried to fight me at gay pride. I didn’t fight her, not because I’m scared, even though I most likely would have lost. I walked away because it was the right thing to do. I didn’t want such a happy day to be ruined by drama that could be stopped. I’m at a lose for the way this girl continues to act. I am so happy to be back with T, anyone who reads this or knows me, knows that I love her with all my heart. 

So why is this girl acting crazy

Life..

broken all over again

“T” says she wants me back. the first time she can prove it she doesnt. its been over two months now. i started talking to a new girl. we will name her “X” because i dont want to put their names. its my blog but its their lives.

i just really thought “T” was serious about loving me and wanting me. I dont see it because she only just told me she wanted me again. No i wasnt sure what to do. I thought she hated me…I have countless text and a letter stating that she does. when she told me things where changing i couldnt trust that she would. I kept waiting. I needed to see if she was going to be different. we both needed to be.

As soon as i got there last night (to her house) I was getting off the phone with a friend and she started in on me.

are you talking to your girlfriend “X” blah blah blah better call her back, better go text her, better go be with her. ALL THE TIME I WAS THERE. she never stopped. i begged her and begged her to not do this. She just kept pushing me away from her instead of showing me she would fight for me. God did i want her to fight. I wanted her actions to match the words and promises she had told me. instead i cried myself to sleep and now my eyes are so swollen..i still want to cry today. i really thought she wanted me. I feel so foolish. i had no reason to trust her.

i never expected her to be perfect, to always say the right things, not even to always know when i needed her. I only wanted her to be there. to see that i am worth it. she says i never fought for her. But God knows i did.  when we were together i read up on how to be better for her. i read articals and self help books. i talked to online counselors. I tried to hard to be a better person. I fought since we had been broken up.  now some might say you didnt fight to hard if you already met another girl. I wasnt out looking when i met her. i was with some friends at one of their aunts birthday parties. i wasnt out looking for a new girl. i was just having a beer and hanging with friends. I even chanced hurting this girl because i was waiting for “T” to see if she would really want me.

Now im just broken all over again.

the things we do to ourselves.

sometimes

Sometimes its so hard for me to write.

sometimes i have so much to say.

sometimes I’ve no words to express really what i am feeling.

sometimes i feel like i have lost my mind.

sometimes i feel like I’m going crazy.

Sometimes i want to scream.

Sometimes i play it out perfect.

sometimes, most the time,

i just feel alone.