Positively lost 

I’m so tired of being who I’ve been. I used to be more. Well I also have been less. But who am I? All the time I ask myself this because I’m not always sure who I am. Who I’m supposed to be. I wish I had all the right answers. About love, life, just anything. Just really at least one right answer. I hardly know who I am at all right now. I’ve been lost for so long. Life is constantly changing and I’m supposed to evole with it. I can barely write. I’ve been trying too. Normal when I’m upset about something poetry just rolls out of me. For once I’m at a lose of real explanations of where I’m at.

But I’m positive I can find myself.

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What will you have

I know when I should not be with someone. In the aspect of I know that I would not be good for them. Nothing against me or them, just not everyone can be a fit. I would like to think in this I am wise in love.

As for knowing when someone shouldn’t be with me. That is another story all together. Anyone who has been in my blog long can attest the truth as well. 

I’ve also asked a million times, who am I? I know more now then I did before. I am a lover in a world growing cold, I am a poet in a world only knowing celebrity gossip, I am different.

I still believe in true love and I know most think it’s a school girls fantasy. Is it though? Can something pure still happen in this world? Yes, the answer is simple and complex. Would you allow something great to happen or would you let fear, bitterness, or loneliness keep you just close enough to smell the truth but never divulge in the sensational taste of love.

Will you stay for someone who can never say anything wonderful about you? Will you stay for the one who plays with your heart as if it where a rag, cleaning up their messes with your heart. 

Will you find a partner who respects you, adores you, listens to you when you’re sad. Someone who is your rock when your world is falling apart. Someone who is going to let you be all this back for them. Shared with a love so strong that storms may alter the waters but in a time of dark, each of you are your own light.

What will you decide to have?

What will I?

Florida

Well I still haven’t seen Florida besides the airport to the hotel and the hotel to work. I’ve made a few new friends. Mostly I’m alone. Don’t get me wrong I totally love my own company and I don’t mind being alone usually. That’s when I’m at home and comfortable with my own things. I have the option to not be alone. When you don’t have that option it’s lonely.

Work went well. I mean I didn’t do anything and now I have to study. Seriously the book they gave me is ridiculous! It’s for sure 20 days worth of learning and I get to keep it for my store. Which means I’ll be able to train everyone correctly. Have my managers on point. 

I’m ready for my first adventure here. I’m off on Sunday’s and don’t work very late the days I do work. I want to go to the beach. Even if it’s to cold to get in, I just want my feet in the water for a moment. To be apart of something greater then myself. 

 

Last Night

So this is my last night at home. I feel my heart breaking, yet a new adventure does bring happiness. To feel both emotions at once is always so weird. Im excited to leave but at the same time I’m not ready for everything with her to be different. I guess one rarely is when  they aren’t the one that wants an end. Tomorrow anything is possible. I just have to be open to new things and don’t spend the next month focusing on how much my life sucks. It does but it doesn’t.

I have a lot to be thankful for and that’s what I need to remember.

Just a few days

I leave for 20 days, very far from Texas, to Florida. Maybe you read that and think “yeah that’s not far dummy”

To me it is. I barely leave the town I live in. It’s a good adventure I suppose, training for work. I’m a general manager these days. When I get back I’m supposed to move out because me and “T” finally are done. I hate it and it’s definitely her and her decision. I just want her to be happy. 

So this is it. I start my life over the same I did a year ago because of things with her. I’ve got the career down, house when I return, what about love? Staying clear of it! I feel out of love, like I don’t have much of it to give to myself or my family. So a girlfriend is definitely not on the todo list. 2016 has to be completely different then last year. I can’t take another year of hell.  I don’t mind the bad things that happen as long as good things do as well.  

 

I’m just fine

What you don’t hear about in stories or on movies, is when you fight for some one, it affects your life more then you would have ever thought.

I’ve been working out of town 3 days a week. Training in a town 2 hours away for my job. When I’m there in stressed from not staying in my bed and being in a store I won’t work once mine opens. When I’m home I’m stressed to be home.

It’s like walking on eggshells. Will I saw the wrong things, will this get my called an asshole, will saying how I’m hurting get me left. Living with a girl who doesn’t really want me. Doesn’t really want to let me go. I’m saving up money because If whatever this is, ends  again, I refuse to live with anyone like I had to last time.

But the anxiety I get from her wanting me one moment and not the next. From always having to wonder if I did something wrong. With feeling ashamed that I am so sensitive. The anxiety from feeling so very much unwanted.

It’s all I can do to smile, to hold the tears from rushing out from my soul. To pretend everything’s okay.

I’m just fine.

left for dead

If I have learned anything in the last three years, it would be that I’m unlovable, worthless, and crazy.That is what you’ve shown me.

Then because I actually feel things I’m a monster. At least I feel, at least I care how I treat others. If it doesn’t help you, you don’t help it. If it doesn’t go with how or what you think, it doesn’t matter. Yet in spite of all your flaws, I love you anyways. 

I am worth some much more then you care to give me. I deserve so much more then you see and decide is acceptable.

I am worth something.

I am a person. Someone with feelings and someone who cares.

Now I’m starting to care about all the pain I’m feeling. I thought fighting for you was romantic. Because you act like you want it. Right before you rip my mending heart back out of my chest and leave me to see if I survive. 

I’m barely breathing this time.

You left me for dead.

And you’re getting your wish.

Generations from now 

People are always on how I am overly emotional. How I am to much.

The thing is though, we live in a world that has gone cold. We, as the life forms that live in this world, have lost our humanity. While you say I’m to much, I think I’m the last of the life before technology made us mindless zombies. There are no connections except online. It’s sad. Even I’ve fallen into it a little. I mean I blog, have social networks, etc.

I prefer no texting, no phones, no internet. I want real connections, I want to know you. Not the badass you paint online. Who are you? What makes you smile, what touches your heart, what do you like to read, do you write, play instruments, what’s your favorite color? I could learn about people forever.

My heart is deeply saddened by the ending of such a necessary part of humanity. What will these lead too? What will the generations to come have? Will they know any connections?  What will happen to love? To friendship? To family bond? 

when

When you want to scream. But it wouldn’t matter. She doesn’t see you. Or maybe just doesn’t care.  It’s like I have never mattered. All the change and work I’ve put in. With no help. With feeling more and more like a monster the better I’ve changed. To not giving up because of love. Because she keeps me here for us never to actually be. I just want my life back. Not even my old one, just my life. No story is ever going to be written the way you want it. But should I just give up and start a new chapter? 

Where do you place the line? When do you cross it to move on? When do you give up on the love that will stick to you for the rest of your life. When do you let your families feel the loss with you. When do you give all your dreams together up?

I don’t want to lose her.

But it’s like I don’t even have her anyways…

Like I never actually did.

Sometimes 

sometimes I feel so together, sometimes I fall completely apart.

Sometimes I feel loved, sometimes I feel hated.

Sometimes I think I’m happy, sometimes I know I’m not.

Bipolar. Yep. Thank you.

I try to control it. But not everything is because I’m bipolar. Just because I have mood swings doesn’t mean every mood change is one. Sometimes it could be because I really am hurting or sad. Maybe upset about something that is real. 

Sometimes I just wish you would care to listen.