I look were it tells me to put a title, right now I don’t know what to put. I dont know what it is that i want to be writing right now. I just know I want to write, that I have SO much that I want to say. More than I know how to say. I’ve been googling things that im upset about, trying to find something that will help me figure out the answer. I know there are no answers online to my problems. I guess we just live in a world were everything can be found on google. One thing Google doesn’t tell you with your endless search is that if you have to type ” i think my relationship might be over” it’s probably over. If you have read any of my constant babble in any of my post, then you know that me and T have been off and on. So many times of heart-break, disappointment. I’ve been working on myself lately, I want to reach a state of peace. I need a state of peace. Then it dawned on me that its probably that she just doesnt love me anymore. Maybe we went through too much and just broke it. I am still in love with this womans beautiful soul. I think I always will be. She has fallen out of love with me. I kept telling myself pretty little lies, ones that keep us ok and together. She doesnt love herself so how could she even love me. She is so stuck in her own problems and head now, that she doesnt even know me anymore. I feel like i share a bed with a stranger, a stranger that i strangely want to marry. I miss my best friend so much. Her body is still here everyday as we go through our life, but i am mourning the loss of my best friend. So now here I am, still trying after 5 years of ups and downs. I just dont have any strength for it. How can I find any peace, hope, or faith in such a toxic household? When will she finally be done with me or find herself again. I’m screaming again and still no one can hear me.
I’m so tired of being who I’ve been. I used to be more. Well I also have been less. But who am I? All the time I ask myself this because I’m not always sure who I am. Who I’m supposed to be. I wish I had all the right answers. About love, life, just anything. Just really at least one right answer. I hardly know who I am at all right now. I’ve been lost for so long. Life is constantly changing and I’m supposed to evole with it. I can barely write. I’ve been trying too. Normal when I’m upset about something poetry just rolls out of me. For once I’m at a lose of real explanations of where I’m at.
But I’m positive I can find myself.
I know when I should not be with someone. In the aspect of I know that I would not be good for them. Nothing against me or them, just not everyone can be a fit. I would like to think in this I am wise in love.
As for knowing when someone shouldn’t be with me. That is another story all together. Anyone who has been in my blog long can attest the truth as well.
I’ve also asked a million times, who am I? I know more now then I did before. I am a lover in a world growing cold, I am a poet in a world only knowing celebrity gossip, I am different.
I still believe in true love and I know most think it’s a school girls fantasy. Is it though? Can something pure still happen in this world? Yes, the answer is simple and complex. Would you allow something great to happen or would you let fear, bitterness, or loneliness keep you just close enough to smell the truth but never divulge in the sensational taste of love.
Will you stay for someone who can never say anything wonderful about you? Will you stay for the one who plays with your heart as if it where a rag, cleaning up their messes with your heart.
Will you find a partner who respects you, adores you, listens to you when you’re sad. Someone who is your rock when your world is falling apart. Someone who is going to let you be all this back for them. Shared with a love so strong that storms may alter the waters but in a time of dark, each of you are your own light.
What will you decide to have?
What will I?
Tonight I don’t even know where to begin with my thought process of this writing. What will later seem like I can’t shut about about struggles to find the right way to began to come to life.
Have you ever noticed that if you ever did something to someone, that later on if they do it to you, you still end up being the person in the wrong. Again.
It’s easy to call people names, tell them they are bad in some way. I’m an offender of such. I have let my mouth get away and say things that have better ways to be said.
If you are consistently telling someone they are shitty, bitchy, whining, not strong enough, etc. then yes eventually they will find themselves as shitty as you say. Why? Because even those of us that “don’t care what others think of us” we still care what the ones we love think. It is natural too. If someone loves you, even if they hate you actually, you should be watchful of what your mouth may speak into this already harsh world.
Let us learn to speak more gently to one another. For what you speak truly does come to life.
Well I’m always working, always a manager. Never anytime to enjoy the things I love. Then when I have a chance to do something I don’t. My heart and mind tends to be in one place while my life is in another. It’s like being a robot. Wake up, work, eat, sleep..repeat.
Always moving through the motions. Always survive. This is what I’ve always done. My life has been a multitude of survival lessons, long and tedious. With short breaks of peace.
Re-energize, a moment to catch my surroundings. Life begins again. Be strong, shut off who I am. Waiting to be myself for that one moment of breath. Who am I when I’m not myself? I’m everyone and no one.
Feeling everything around me, yet being a numb shell.
I think I may be just tired and it’s getting to me, But I’ve been thinking.
And probably too much.
But I’m kind of tired of investing so much into people. People expect others to fix them or use them to blame for their selfish or harmful ways. It’s like everyone is claiming to be a saint but no one shows their colors until later.
I know that’s life or whatever.
Then I started noticing the people who, yes may still be “broken” in some way or another, but they are out there giving the shirts off their back to all these people who don’t appreciate it. And they are all missing out on each other because they are caught up with these people.
Well I still haven’t seen Florida besides the airport to the hotel and the hotel to work. I’ve made a few new friends. Mostly I’m alone. Don’t get me wrong I totally love my own company and I don’t mind being alone usually. That’s when I’m at home and comfortable with my own things. I have the option to not be alone. When you don’t have that option it’s lonely.
Work went well. I mean I didn’t do anything and now I have to study. Seriously the book they gave me is ridiculous! It’s for sure 20 days worth of learning and I get to keep it for my store. Which means I’ll be able to train everyone correctly. Have my managers on point.
I’m ready for my first adventure here. I’m off on Sunday’s and don’t work very late the days I do work. I want to go to the beach. Even if it’s to cold to get in, I just want my feet in the water for a moment. To be apart of something greater then myself.
So this is my last night at home. I feel my heart breaking, yet a new adventure does bring happiness. To feel both emotions at once is always so weird. Im excited to leave but at the same time I’m not ready for everything with her to be different. I guess one rarely is when they aren’t the one that wants an end. Tomorrow anything is possible. I just have to be open to new things and don’t spend the next month focusing on how much my life sucks. It does but it doesn’t.
I have a lot to be thankful for and that’s what I need to remember.
I leave for 20 days, very far from Texas, to Florida. Maybe you read that and think “yeah that’s not far dummy”
To me it is. I barely leave the town I live in. It’s a good adventure I suppose, training for work. I’m a general manager these days. When I get back I’m supposed to move out because me and “T” finally are done. I hate it and it’s definitely her and her decision. I just want her to be happy.
So this is it. I start my life over the same I did a year ago because of things with her. I’ve got the career down, house when I return, what about love? Staying clear of it! I feel out of love, like I don’t have much of it to give to myself or my family. So a girlfriend is definitely not on the todo list. 2016 has to be completely different then last year. I can’t take another year of hell. I don’t mind the bad things that happen as long as good things do as well.
There are many realities throughout life. The is the one you live in, the one everyone else does (that is their individual own), and the one that none of us know. The one we don’t know is the real world. The sum of each one of us as an individually. We make up the world. As one person it is impossible to know it. This is because we do not know the reality of the ones we are closest too, let alone the strangers of this life. It is with the philosophy of reality that this idea I have is born. When you are wanting to change the world and feel as though nothing you do will ever be good enough think of this:
If you change, no matter good or bad, the sum of the reality of the world is changed. You changed it by becoming more or less of what you were. Therefor it would change everything everywhere. We sometimes for get the importance of life and the realization that our life’s have rippling effects. Ones that go beyond our own knowledge and beyond what we think we can reach. It’s with this same thought, that I realized that I can changed it I feel about the reality I’m choosing. I choose to be in this reality. The one you have all gotten to read about. Where I felt sorry for myself, whined relentlessly, and forgot to live my life. The world reality comes to us daily but it’s how I decide to handle my reality. It’s simply interpreting things in a more positive way. It’s reaching out and touching someone with love, respect, and selflessness. Because when you stop trying to change people by force and just love them, love yourself, and just live in the present reality all things change. The world is changing.