Good Grief

I look were it tells me to put a title, right now I don’t know what to put. I dont know what it is that i want to be writing right now. I just know I want to write, that I have SO much that I want to say. More than I know how to say. I’ve been googling things that im upset about, trying to find something that will help me figure out the answer. I know there are no answers online to my problems. I guess we just live in a world were everything can be found on google. One thing Google doesn’t tell you with your endless search is that if you have to type ” i think my relationship might be over” it’s probably over. If you have read any of my constant babble in any of my post, then you know that me and T have been off and on. So many times of heart-break, disappointment. I’ve been working on myself lately, I want to reach a state of peace. I need a state of peace. Then it dawned on me that its probably that she just doesnt love me anymore. Maybe we went through too much and just broke it. I am still in love with this womans beautiful soul. I think I always will be. She has fallen out of love with me. I kept telling myself pretty little lies, ones that keep us ok and together. She doesnt love herself so how could she even love me. She is so stuck in her own problems and head now, that she doesnt even know me anymore. I feel like i share a bed with a stranger, a stranger that i strangely want to marry. I miss my best friend so much. Her body is still here everyday as we go through our life, but i am mourning the loss of my best friend. So now here I am, still trying after 5 years of ups and downs. I just dont have any strength for it. How can I find any peace, hope, or faith in such a toxic household? When will she finally be done with me or find herself again. I’m screaming again and still no one can hear me.

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Positively lost 

I’m so tired of being who I’ve been. I used to be more. Well I also have been less. But who am I? All the time I ask myself this because I’m not always sure who I am. Who I’m supposed to be. I wish I had all the right answers. About love, life, just anything. Just really at least one right answer. I hardly know who I am at all right now. I’ve been lost for so long. Life is constantly changing and I’m supposed to evole with it. I can barely write. I’ve been trying too. Normal when I’m upset about something poetry just rolls out of me. For once I’m at a lose of real explanations of where I’m at.

But I’m positive I can find myself.

I’m just fine

What you don’t hear about in stories or on movies, is when you fight for some one, it affects your life more then you would have ever thought.

I’ve been working out of town 3 days a week. Training in a town 2 hours away for my job. When I’m there in stressed from not staying in my bed and being in a store I won’t work once mine opens. When I’m home I’m stressed to be home.

It’s like walking on eggshells. Will I saw the wrong things, will this get my called an asshole, will saying how I’m hurting get me left. Living with a girl who doesn’t really want me. Doesn’t really want to let me go. I’m saving up money because If whatever this is, ends  again, I refuse to live with anyone like I had to last time.

But the anxiety I get from her wanting me one moment and not the next. From always having to wonder if I did something wrong. With feeling ashamed that I am so sensitive. The anxiety from feeling so very much unwanted.

It’s all I can do to smile, to hold the tears from rushing out from my soul. To pretend everything’s okay.

I’m just fine.

girls only want love if its torture

It Finally happened. thats why its snowing outside. i like a taylor swift song, so thats hell freezing over out there.

At first i was a little suprised. Blank Space.

but it kind of few ways i feel right now.

…..so its gonna be forever or its gonna go down in flames. you can tell me when its over if the high was worth the pain…….

……because we’re young and we’re reckless, we’ll take this way to far it’ll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar……

im not sure i my relationship is going to last. so this is were my connective feelings for this song are coming from.

becuas it is going to last forever, or soon it may go down in flames, im not sure yet. God knows i love her and do want it to lai find things are never in our control though. not even your heart.

so with the maybes that hang in the air will leave me either breathless or with a nasty scar.

hopeful as i am i think the scar is more in my future.

what do you do as you sit and watch your relationship drain of the life it was once full of? how do you stop things you dont control? why does it always work were only one person is trying to rebuild the frame and the other lets the foundation go?

i am growing up so much, im not perfect, but i am truly trying to be a better and stronger person to control my emotions where they cant control me anymore. working on my career. making our life better.

out of left field i maybe with out her.

do you stay and find out if you are worth it? or do you leave with some kind of dignity?

find out if their love was real? of is it ne.

i dont know what to do. if we are gona last. i know its part of the chance you take when you hand someone your heart.

But is there a line when it comes to love? once that its crossed its to much, to far? and if so where do i make that line?

Lost friend

I get a little sad when I think about my friend “K” I was looking at my time hop app and the only post I had was 4 years ago. I was taking her wedding pictures. Now she is lost to meth and I have no idea where she is. We are both in the same town. If you believe in god I ask you send a small prayer and if you don’t just a positive thought goes a long way. I’m sure she could use it

sometimes

Sometimes its so hard for me to write.

sometimes i have so much to say.

sometimes I’ve no words to express really what i am feeling.

sometimes i feel like i have lost my mind.

sometimes i feel like I’m going crazy.

Sometimes i want to scream.

Sometimes i play it out perfect.

sometimes, most the time,

i just feel alone.

emotional roller coaster

Is it always the way of women to be an emotional roller coaster? I’m sure I am one too, as i said before i am very tied to my emotions. I do feel like that for someone that believes in fairytale endings that i am a little more realistic about life. I get that life is a complication of multiple tangled webs, multiple heart breaks, times of sadness. That is only part of it though. Life is also so much more than all of that!

i know that when life seems so hard, like nothing is going your way, you’re broke, you’re relationship is at a stand still, its easy to get down and upset about life. your life.

your life is what you let it be.

If it is your life then isn’t it up for you to decide?

people are always saying to me, “Bailee, grow up” “Bailee, you should worry more.”

i believe i worry plenty because man do i worry about all kinds of things. There is so much more than worry. Lots of other things are going on. Like love, family, new paths, most important there is chance, there is hope.

remember sometimes the shadow is you standing in your own light. Other times its the dark that means the light is near.

If only i could see the events that are unfolding in the way i usually do. Its hard when i am up against some ones feelings when the way they think is whatever is happening is world ending, life altering, and hating life all around.

i wonder so much how to make it better, to be there better, to do better all together.

maybe i should realize that i am doing more and better, maybe for once I’m really not the problem.

damn.