Good Grief

I look were it tells me to put a title, right now I don’t know what to put. I dont know what it is that i want to be writing right now. I just know I want to write, that I have SO much that I want to say. More than I know how to say. I’ve been googling things that im upset about, trying to find something that will help me figure out the answer. I know there are no answers online to my problems. I guess we just live in a world were everything can be found on google. One thing Google doesn’t tell you with your endless search is that if you have to type ” i think my relationship might be over” it’s probably over. If you have read any of my constant babble in any of my post, then you know that me and T have been off and on. So many times of heart-break, disappointment. I’ve been working on myself lately, I want to reach a state of peace. I need a state of peace. Then it dawned on me that its probably that she just doesnt love me anymore. Maybe we went through too much and just broke it. I am still in love with this womans beautiful soul. I think I always will be. She has fallen out of love with me. I kept telling myself pretty little lies, ones that keep us ok and together. She doesnt love herself so how could she even love me. She is so stuck in her own problems and head now, that she doesnt even know me anymore. I feel like i share a bed with a stranger, a stranger that i strangely want to marry. I miss my best friend so much. Her body is still here everyday as we go through our life, but i am mourning the loss of my best friend. So now here I am, still trying after 5 years of ups and downs. I just dont have any strength for it. How can I find any peace, hope, or faith in such a toxic household? When will she finally be done with me or find herself again. I’m screaming again and still no one can hear me.

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Reality

There are many realities throughout life. The is the one you live in, the one everyone else does (that is their individual own), and the one that none of us know. The one we don’t know is the real world. The sum of each one of us as an individually.  We make up the world. As one person it is impossible to know it. This is because we do not know the reality of the ones we are closest too, let alone the strangers of this life. It is with the philosophy of reality that this idea I have is born. When you are wanting to change the world and feel as though nothing you do will ever be good enough think of this:

If you change, no matter good or bad, the sum of the reality of the world is changed. You changed it by becoming more or less of what you were. Therefor it would change everything everywhere. We sometimes for get the importance of life and the realization that our life’s have rippling effects. Ones that go beyond our own knowledge and beyond what we think we can reach. It’s with this same thought, that I realized that I can changed it I feel about the reality I’m choosing. I choose to be in this reality. The one you have all gotten to read about. Where I felt sorry for myself, whined relentlessly, and forgot to live my life. The world reality comes to us daily but it’s how I decide to handle my reality. It’s simply interpreting things in a more positive way. It’s reaching out and touching someone with love, respect, and selflessness. Because when you stop trying to change people by force and just love them, love yourself, and just live in the present reality all things change. The world is changing.

Few days 

So it’s been a few days since I have written anything. I have been making all my time busy. With personal growth and then things to pass the time when I don’t feel like being in my new home. Made some new friends. Connecting with people on new levels. Becoming a different me. I hardly feel like the heartbroken girl who was lost a few weeks ago. I feel so different. Stronger, even a little wiser. I see life in a different manor. Days are easy, nights are getting there. 

blanket of peace

So it’s weird the way life works. 

You knew that already.

I think it’s been obvious in my past few blogs I’ve been having relationship issues. I haven’t given up on “T” but there just isn’t much that I can do but take my life one day at a time. I’ve been so stressed because I would be the one to leave our home and start completely over with little because o wouldn’t have the place for my things. Or our things divided up. I’ve been fearful of the what ifs and the whys and the lack of knowing anything of what’s going to happen to me.

I started playing city league softball last night (I’ve played softball my entire life).  There is something about that sport that just makes me feel at home with myself. I was standing on second base got the ball turned to throw it to sort stop to tag the girl and my throw was awful. Completely messed it up. But the girl didn’t get to third. And I had stopped the ball.

Even when everything isn’t perfect, good things happen.  I had tried and that’s what counts. I let go of all my problems and left them right there on the field. Today I got a better job offer and among a few other great things. Letting go and just letting God and the universe deal with the things out of my control I have found a small blanket of peace.

Late night snow

So I guess we are supposed to be getting 5″ of snow. Where was this on Christmas? It was 70 all week and the new year brought snow.
I’m watching it fall as I smoke a cigarette and drink coffee.
It’s ugly here but when it snows there is a calming peace. Usually there are racers zooming by and the occasional cop following. Or just the loud hot rod assholes that like to go by all hours of the night.
Tonight all I hear is the hum of my heater and the falling of the snow.
“T” of course is at work. I’ve no one to enjoy this with.
But it’s okay because this silence is golden.

On a serious note

Why I’ve decided to unfollow the Facebook page To Write Love On Her Arms:

I was once a dumb kid. When I didn’t know what to do with my life and my parents were out of control and therefor so was my life. I used to hurt myself and now that I’ve grown up I feel like such a fool. I believe it is a sickness for some and a misguided way for others but then there is the third group. The ones I call trigger warners. When I was doing it i didn’t go tell the universe. I kept my problems to myself until I got help for myself and started becoming who I am today. So I understand needing to cry out for help. But they make fake profiles and post that they have taken a bottle of pills or are bleeding out. And then there they are the next day.
Where are these kids parents and when did it become okay to do or say these things.
Oh but don’t say anything that would actually help them. Because the rest shall attack. Like good lord, I know what I’m talking about. My life was crazy but the worst thing wasn’t the awful things life brings or my parents and their lives of chaos. No the worst thing was what I did to myself. I survived me. Thank god.
And if you are so sensitive that you would need something that said trigger warning, what are your doing on that page? It’s like a suicide note every other post.
I know I know I’m being kinda harsh.
But as someone who found out that life is more if you let it be and has come so far from the little kid who hurt themselves and didn’t post all over the net about it, I feel like I can say this with no regret.

Also if you are seriously hurting and are not doing it for attention then this was never for you. If you are hurting I ask that you get help and begin to really live and see life and fall in love and find peace in this world.
Either way suicide and self harm are no joke and if you or someone you know is hurting yourself go to a counselor or parent or friend. Someone.
Just get help.

Her story: warrior of life

I find that I can be either super upbeat about life, until I’m not. I’ve learned that being an adult, you just smile and go on. But if you never let things out some times you become them. As a teenager my life was crazy.
When I say crazy I’m not saying average whatever.
Let me say this first, I have unconditional love for people in my life and even those i don’t know.

My dad was adopted and his adopted dad died when he was a young age. My grandma, she did her best. And she is a wonderful lady. But my dad was well broken, I’d like to say he is doing great now. But it caused him to make choices throughout the years with drinking and drugs that affected everyone I’m my family.
My mother is the youngest of ten.
My grandparents, both gone, where fantastic people, but having ten kids and not being a celebrity is a poor mans game. Rich in love, broke as hell.
So my parents grew up to be, well out laws. They broke up shortly after I was born, thank Jesus.

Now that you have some back knowledge, this is the story of Bailee:

Early 1989 in a small town, a small child entered the world. Born to an 18 year old father and a 20 year old mother. Young and not ready to be parents they started a young girls life.
Fast forward, mom moves to east texas from west texas with child.
Child starts pre k.
Two schools.
Man mother is leaving says he will take the child and she will never see her again.
Mother sends child to father
Kindergarten.
Third school.
Father and StepMother1 work.
The Girl stays with her grandmother mostly, as does her little cousin. Life is easier, full of love.
Summer between second and third grade.
Custody battles have gone on.
StepMother1 leaves Father while girl is visiting Mother.
Third grade.
1.Mother marries StepFather.
2.Father marries StepMother2.
Only child be comes
1. Oldest of two
2. Oldest of four

Life goes on with custody battles, beatings and brainwashing.
Fast forward:

6th grade, Daughter thinks she hates her father and that grass is Greener on the other side.
Fights to live with mother, who moves back to be closer.

7th grade Father gives up and let’s her go. Two junior highs.

Life isn’t so green. It’s blue.
The secret of drugs is at large.
Confused and hurt daughter returns to father. Second high school.
Mother says she must leave to save
StepFather from his drug habit.

Scared for this she goes too.

11th grade, third high school.
Starting over to fit in.
Mother and StepFather, drugs, drugs fights, drugs, fights.
StepFather destroyed by drugs.
Mother wakes up the girl, time to leave.
Grab clothes, run to truck.
He points gun.
4th High school.
Mother sales drugs.
StepFather. In and out, does them.
Pulls the trigger of a thought to be loaded gun. Stabs a man.
She keeps her mother.
But she doesn’t
Drugs have taken control of everything.
Everything but the girl.
So she runs to the only place she felt safe. Near her grandmother. Fathers house.
Mother goes to prison.
And all the time, no one notices all that the girl as gone through.
To be continued as life goes on.

I don’t tell you everything and I wrote it Weird because I don’t remember everything and it makes what I do less real.

My mother after many years of in and out, is clean. We dont agree on anything and we now avoid conversations about anything real.
I haven’t seen my stepdad since he got out but he seems to be doing great and we talk from time to time
My dad’s cleaned up and it’s taken a lot of time but we get a long pretty well now.
My step mom left my dad, with my brothers and sisters. They adopted 3 who are the only ones still at home out of the 7 of us.

After a hand full of crazy relationships I find my self with “T”
The one who helps me slay my demons and past.

Finally I’ve escaped that.
After years of cutting and suicide attempts (I’m a puss when it comes to it, I’m happy for that)

Life goes on.
With out a blink at what I’ve gone through.
I survived.

Some people who read this will say survived what? I will tell you.
I survived not becoming a drug attic, a thief. I survived my parents, I do not say that lightly. I made it without lights, water, heat, food. I made it because I fought to live.
It’s funny to me now looking back.
All the things I tried so that I could die, yet all that time I was fighting to make it.
I graduated high school. My mom and dad didn’t. I went to college for a while and learned the new path to my new life.
I’m not perfect, my past has made me a little crazy. “T” deals with it and I learn to control it. My emotions run high and deep. I am a passionate person.

Maybe you’ll read this and roll your eyes and that is more then okay.

This is my story, just a few chapters.
I have proven myself a warrior of life.
And this is why I fight to be a change in the world.