Good Grief

I look were it tells me to put a title, right now I don’t know what to put. I dont know what it is that i want to be writing right now. I just know I want to write, that I have SO much that I want to say. More than I know how to say. I’ve been googling things that im upset about, trying to find something that will help me figure out the answer. I know there are no answers online to my problems. I guess we just live in a world were everything can be found on google. One thing Google doesn’t tell you with your endless search is that if you have to type ” i think my relationship might be over” it’s probably over. If you have read any of my constant babble in any of my post, then you know that me and T have been off and on. So many times of heart-break, disappointment. I’ve been working on myself lately, I want to reach a state of peace. I need a state of peace. Then it dawned on me that its probably that she just doesnt love me anymore. Maybe we went through too much and just broke it. I am still in love with this womans beautiful soul. I think I always will be. She has fallen out of love with me. I kept telling myself pretty little lies, ones that keep us ok and together. She doesnt love herself so how could she even love me. She is so stuck in her own problems and head now, that she doesnt even know me anymore. I feel like i share a bed with a stranger, a stranger that i strangely want to marry. I miss my best friend so much. Her body is still here everyday as we go through our life, but i am mourning the loss of my best friend. So now here I am, still trying after 5 years of ups and downs. I just dont have any strength for it. How can I find any peace, hope, or faith in such a toxic household? When will she finally be done with me or find herself again. I’m screaming again and still no one can hear me.

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Alone

Happy Easter to all.

I love that today is about Jesus but I don’t like holidays. It wasn’t so bad when I was with “t” because I finally wasn’t alone on them. Now I am back to being alone. I don’t mind being alone I’m okay with me, but with everything going on in my life I am just so sad. I want my love back. I want to be laying next to her watching a movie. I want to hold her hand. I want to go home. I hate everything going on in my life. I can’t make it go back. I’ve been crying since I woke up. I tried not to but it’s like I can’t breath. I want to be happy again. I don’t know how to be 

my fairytale

I am a believer of fairytale endings. I know it’s not like the books we were read as children but i believe my happily ever after is there. I just don’t feel like much of a “princess” lately. I’m not one who needs to be given everything. Things I do need I’m not getting. I crave for her skin against mine. For her love to be there in a kiss.  She asked me to be her girlfriend and then her wife. We are barely dating. I feel so alone. I just want to be loved and held. My life seems to be in short supplies.  She says she loves me but she can’t give me reasons. I’m funny or just because are things you tell people when you don’t really love them much anymore, from my experience anyways.

I’m just ready to be loved.

girls only want love if its torture

It Finally happened. thats why its snowing outside. i like a taylor swift song, so thats hell freezing over out there.

At first i was a little suprised. Blank Space.

but it kind of few ways i feel right now.

…..so its gonna be forever or its gonna go down in flames. you can tell me when its over if the high was worth the pain…….

……because we’re young and we’re reckless, we’ll take this way to far it’ll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar……

im not sure i my relationship is going to last. so this is were my connective feelings for this song are coming from.

becuas it is going to last forever, or soon it may go down in flames, im not sure yet. God knows i love her and do want it to lai find things are never in our control though. not even your heart.

so with the maybes that hang in the air will leave me either breathless or with a nasty scar.

hopeful as i am i think the scar is more in my future.

what do you do as you sit and watch your relationship drain of the life it was once full of? how do you stop things you dont control? why does it always work were only one person is trying to rebuild the frame and the other lets the foundation go?

i am growing up so much, im not perfect, but i am truly trying to be a better and stronger person to control my emotions where they cant control me anymore. working on my career. making our life better.

out of left field i maybe with out her.

do you stay and find out if you are worth it? or do you leave with some kind of dignity?

find out if their love was real? of is it ne.

i dont know what to do. if we are gona last. i know its part of the chance you take when you hand someone your heart.

But is there a line when it comes to love? once that its crossed its to much, to far? and if so where do i make that line?

Ever Have

When I decide something there is no half way. I either do it or I don’t.
I haven’t slept.
I cried a lot last night.
Some people say I’m over emotional .
I just think I’m human and I feel.

I don’t just feel for myself. I feel for you too. Even if I do not know you, if you tell me something or I read a blog, I truly feel for you. If you are sad, lonely, or afraid my heart reached out to you even breaks a little because you are not happy or well. If you at happy, on a new journey, getting great news,
Than I am so excited for you. I may never hear from you again but I will love you and never have meet you.
Why?
Because that’s who I am. I feel life and death, happiness and sadness, successfulness and failure.

If I tell you my heart is broken, do not mock me. Because something has shattered me.
I am weak and there for I am strong.
I will love you unconditionally.
I will fight by your side.
I’ll be the best friend, lover, or family you could ever have.
I will never leave you unless you need me to so you can live better.
I, who will go the distance for a stranger, will always be there to pour love on the world. So when you are looking for a light, know you always have a friend in me

When the world crashes around you

I never thought I started this blog to bore you with my problems. I thought what a neat way to say all the weird things I think and maybe someone will read them agree and the weird me becomes normal or maybe no one reads and I get all this out for me.
It turns out that as I’ve been growing up I have less and less friends to talk to about anything. So this was my way of not going crazy because even if no one ever read this at least it wasn’t inside me any longer.
So here we go…..

No relationship is perfect.
Like ive said before you have to work for that fairytale ending.
My new question is at what cost.
It’s sad but everything comes with a price. Sometimes it’s not that you aren’t willing to pay the price, it’s that you can’t.
I have not lived a perfect life. I’ve made more mistakes than I can count but I always paid the price.
Today I don’t have anything but the small part that’s left of my entire being. I can’t afford to pay because in doing so I’ll lose myself. There won’t be anything left. I know I know time heals. But what if there is nothing left to heal. What if you traded a piece of you every time you had sex with a different person, what if while you traded pieces for life and love. Or drugs. Or anything.
Then what if a time comes where you have to give that piece for love.
But you can’t. Because it would destroy you.
I’m not talking about give it all up for love and feel the love.
What if you were asked to be a back burner? To wait while they had fun?
What’s meant to be will be, right?
But what if that was all it took to destroy the fragile and new you. Then what do you do?