Good Grief

I look were it tells me to put a title, right now I don’t know what to put. I dont know what it is that i want to be writing right now. I just know I want to write, that I have SO much that I want to say. More than I know how to say. I’ve been googling things that im upset about, trying to find something that will help me figure out the answer. I know there are no answers online to my problems. I guess we just live in a world were everything can be found on google. One thing Google doesn’t tell you with your endless search is that if you have to type ” i think my relationship might be over” it’s probably over. If you have read any of my constant babble in any of my post, then you know that me and T have been off and on. So many times of heart-break, disappointment. I’ve been working on myself lately, I want to reach a state of peace. I need a state of peace. Then it dawned on me that its probably that she just doesnt love me anymore. Maybe we went through too much and just broke it. I am still in love with this womans beautiful soul. I think I always will be. She has fallen out of love with me. I kept telling myself pretty little lies, ones that keep us ok and together. She doesnt love herself so how could she even love me. She is so stuck in her own problems and head now, that she doesnt even know me anymore. I feel like i share a bed with a stranger, a stranger that i strangely want to marry. I miss my best friend so much. Her body is still here everyday as we go through our life, but i am mourning the loss of my best friend. So now here I am, still trying after 5 years of ups and downs. I just dont have any strength for it. How can I find any peace, hope, or faith in such a toxic household? When will she finally be done with me or find herself again. I’m screaming again and still no one can hear me.


what did you wanna be

what did you want to be when you were small?

i wanted to be a rock star…

what did you want to be in high school?

i wanted to be a rock star….

what are you now?

soon to be life insurance seller….

…… i wanna be a rock star……

Her story: warrior of life

I find that I can be either super upbeat about life, until I’m not. I’ve learned that being an adult, you just smile and go on. But if you never let things out some times you become them. As a teenager my life was crazy.
When I say crazy I’m not saying average whatever.
Let me say this first, I have unconditional love for people in my life and even those i don’t know.

My dad was adopted and his adopted dad died when he was a young age. My grandma, she did her best. And she is a wonderful lady. But my dad was well broken, I’d like to say he is doing great now. But it caused him to make choices throughout the years with drinking and drugs that affected everyone I’m my family.
My mother is the youngest of ten.
My grandparents, both gone, where fantastic people, but having ten kids and not being a celebrity is a poor mans game. Rich in love, broke as hell.
So my parents grew up to be, well out laws. They broke up shortly after I was born, thank Jesus.

Now that you have some back knowledge, this is the story of Bailee:

Early 1989 in a small town, a small child entered the world. Born to an 18 year old father and a 20 year old mother. Young and not ready to be parents they started a young girls life.
Fast forward, mom moves to east texas from west texas with child.
Child starts pre k.
Two schools.
Man mother is leaving says he will take the child and she will never see her again.
Mother sends child to father
Third school.
Father and StepMother1 work.
The Girl stays with her grandmother mostly, as does her little cousin. Life is easier, full of love.
Summer between second and third grade.
Custody battles have gone on.
StepMother1 leaves Father while girl is visiting Mother.
Third grade.
1.Mother marries StepFather.
2.Father marries StepMother2.
Only child be comes
1. Oldest of two
2. Oldest of four

Life goes on with custody battles, beatings and brainwashing.
Fast forward:

6th grade, Daughter thinks she hates her father and that grass is Greener on the other side.
Fights to live with mother, who moves back to be closer.

7th grade Father gives up and let’s her go. Two junior highs.

Life isn’t so green. It’s blue.
The secret of drugs is at large.
Confused and hurt daughter returns to father. Second high school.
Mother says she must leave to save
StepFather from his drug habit.

Scared for this she goes too.

11th grade, third high school.
Starting over to fit in.
Mother and StepFather, drugs, drugs fights, drugs, fights.
StepFather destroyed by drugs.
Mother wakes up the girl, time to leave.
Grab clothes, run to truck.
He points gun.
4th High school.
Mother sales drugs.
StepFather. In and out, does them.
Pulls the trigger of a thought to be loaded gun. Stabs a man.
She keeps her mother.
But she doesn’t
Drugs have taken control of everything.
Everything but the girl.
So she runs to the only place she felt safe. Near her grandmother. Fathers house.
Mother goes to prison.
And all the time, no one notices all that the girl as gone through.
To be continued as life goes on.

I don’t tell you everything and I wrote it Weird because I don’t remember everything and it makes what I do less real.

My mother after many years of in and out, is clean. We dont agree on anything and we now avoid conversations about anything real.
I haven’t seen my stepdad since he got out but he seems to be doing great and we talk from time to time
My dad’s cleaned up and it’s taken a lot of time but we get a long pretty well now.
My step mom left my dad, with my brothers and sisters. They adopted 3 who are the only ones still at home out of the 7 of us.

After a hand full of crazy relationships I find my self with “T”
The one who helps me slay my demons and past.

Finally I’ve escaped that.
After years of cutting and suicide attempts (I’m a puss when it comes to it, I’m happy for that)

Life goes on.
With out a blink at what I’ve gone through.
I survived.

Some people who read this will say survived what? I will tell you.
I survived not becoming a drug attic, a thief. I survived my parents, I do not say that lightly. I made it without lights, water, heat, food. I made it because I fought to live.
It’s funny to me now looking back.
All the things I tried so that I could die, yet all that time I was fighting to make it.
I graduated high school. My mom and dad didn’t. I went to college for a while and learned the new path to my new life.
I’m not perfect, my past has made me a little crazy. “T” deals with it and I learn to control it. My emotions run high and deep. I am a passionate person.

Maybe you’ll read this and roll your eyes and that is more then okay.

This is my story, just a few chapters.
I have proven myself a warrior of life.
And this is why I fight to be a change in the world.