Positively lost 

I’m so tired of being who I’ve been. I used to be more. Well I also have been less. But who am I? All the time I ask myself this because I’m not always sure who I am. Who I’m supposed to be. I wish I had all the right answers. About love, life, just anything. Just really at least one right answer. I hardly know who I am at all right now. I’ve been lost for so long. Life is constantly changing and I’m supposed to evole with it. I can barely write. I’ve been trying too. Normal when I’m upset about something poetry just rolls out of me. For once I’m at a lose of real explanations of where I’m at.

But I’m positive I can find myself.

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my fairytale

I am a believer of fairytale endings. I know it’s not like the books we were read as children but i believe my happily ever after is there. I just don’t feel like much of a “princess” lately. I’m not one who needs to be given everything. Things I do need I’m not getting. I crave for her skin against mine. For her love to be there in a kiss.  She asked me to be her girlfriend and then her wife. We are barely dating. I feel so alone. I just want to be loved and held. My life seems to be in short supplies.  She says she loves me but she can’t give me reasons. I’m funny or just because are things you tell people when you don’t really love them much anymore, from my experience anyways.

I’m just ready to be loved.

girls only want love if its torture

It Finally happened. thats why its snowing outside. i like a taylor swift song, so thats hell freezing over out there.

At first i was a little suprised. Blank Space.

but it kind of few ways i feel right now.

…..so its gonna be forever or its gonna go down in flames. you can tell me when its over if the high was worth the pain…….

……because we’re young and we’re reckless, we’ll take this way to far it’ll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar……

im not sure i my relationship is going to last. so this is were my connective feelings for this song are coming from.

becuas it is going to last forever, or soon it may go down in flames, im not sure yet. God knows i love her and do want it to lai find things are never in our control though. not even your heart.

so with the maybes that hang in the air will leave me either breathless or with a nasty scar.

hopeful as i am i think the scar is more in my future.

what do you do as you sit and watch your relationship drain of the life it was once full of? how do you stop things you dont control? why does it always work were only one person is trying to rebuild the frame and the other lets the foundation go?

i am growing up so much, im not perfect, but i am truly trying to be a better and stronger person to control my emotions where they cant control me anymore. working on my career. making our life better.

out of left field i maybe with out her.

do you stay and find out if you are worth it? or do you leave with some kind of dignity?

find out if their love was real? of is it ne.

i dont know what to do. if we are gona last. i know its part of the chance you take when you hand someone your heart.

But is there a line when it comes to love? once that its crossed its to much, to far? and if so where do i make that line?

what did you wanna be

what did you want to be when you were small?

i wanted to be a rock star…

what did you want to be in high school?

i wanted to be a rock star….

what are you now?

soon to be life insurance seller….

…… i wanna be a rock star……

lead the world into something more

Its a weird thought that while we are watching our shows, cleaning our home, cooking dinner, reading a blog, the world goes on. People are dying, changing, falling in and out of love. Sometimes i feel like the world is slipping by. i know I’m only 25 and i have my whole life ahead of me. but do i? i smoke and i used to party hard. 75 is what I’m guessing. not because poor little me I’m so depressed and life so hard. no because I’m looking at this in an honest way. i may be one third done with my “whole life.” what am i doing as the world goes on.

You know what I’m doing I’m sitting here writing about the fact that i never do anything, as me and “T” watch rivals. (side note: people are out of control, if you have seen these shows you know what I’m talking about)

I think that i could, not change the world, but that i can be a change in the world. That I’m wasting my life away. I worry about all sorts of dumb things. things to me that aren’t dumb at all. Like will i pick the wrong thing to do with my life. Could i hate it and be miserable or what if it doesn’t bring enough money, I’m happy but i can’t afford to survive.  When’s the right time to have kids? should i have kids? will we be good parents? where do we live? Ive only really ever lived in texas, small towns mostly and now a small city. “T” is from colorado and wants to go home. its so expensive. I wasn’t prepared to be on my own when i left. i had a college dorm and then an apartment with a recliner and a blanket. Ive built up lost it all. now I’m struggling because I’m growing up and all that time spent partying and being a wild child is biting me in the ass. I wouldn’t change it. I have had some of the craziest things go on. not all of them are good, but thats another story.

even though i wouldn’t and couldn’t change my life, i do wish i was going on with my life, that i wouldn’t have done things that i have been doing and started doing things that matter. i want my life to mean something. i want to inspire people. i want to reach out in the world and leave a path to follow. one that can be found around every corner and every turn to do whats right and lead the world in to something more.

ramble of love

My partner “T” and I have been going on over two years. i love her  a lot, i really do. we don’t always see eye to eye on everything. its easy because we come from two very different back grounds.

T was raised wealthier and in a hell of a nicer place then me, no her life was not perfect by any means. The things we went through and they way we lived was just very different.

She is a square, i was a rebel.

Some how we make it work, like any real relationship you have to put work into it. Its the part of the fairytale thats in fine print. Its hard to work with some one and to make things fair even when you don’t see things the same. When you do its worth it. My ex girlfriend once told me that fairy tales don’t happen and id never get what i was looking for. she was right and wrong. my belief in fairy tale endings is even stronger now, but she was correct in that id never find what i was looking for. i was settling for a noble when my charming princess was finding her way to me.

of course we fight about the dumbest things, and serious things as well. The amount i love this woman, is truly a wonderment. Nothing she could do could ever stop or reverse the love that pours from my heart for her. she is a pain in my ass but she is my pain. i love all the things i learn from her, she is so brilliant and beautiful.

i know i have no idea who i am and i am sure she is in the same boat. the most beautiful thing we have besides love is that we get to go on this adventure of becoming who we are together. Not only as two separate people but also as lovers. if anything she teaches me more about myself than anything and i hope i help her in the same ways.

she is the calm and i am the storm. together we are the perfect cocktail of life and with out her id be your normal single party lesbo. I am so glad to have found her.

it may not be a who i am but she is a piece to the puzzle that is my life.

when anything is possible

Hello who ever you are,

thank you for taking the time to read this. I am not sure what this blog will become, but with the world being full of people I’m sure something will come of this.  Who am I?

isn’t that a question we are so often asked? really who are you? I know that my name is bailee, I’m an aries, a lesbian, a writer, i am spiritual, but those are only things about me. None define me as a person. so when one asks who are you…what do you answer with?

to know who you are and what you want from this life are very confusing things. I am writing this because i am on the journey to finding these answers. And you my friend have just read my first thoughts of my blog of this journey. Or maybe no one reads and i am only writing this to my future self. Anything is possible.

so who ever this is, i leave you with this, who are you?