I slacked so much last year. And so far this year. Write Bailee. How hard is that? Utterly useless. Screaming inside instead of writing it out. I think today is the first time in a while that I’ve actually thought about dying. Everything just becomes to much. I feel the poet dying. Everything that made me different. I feel empty. How do you keep on after something like that. But even more how do you let go of the hope so you can truly drown.
I’m so tired of being who I’ve been. I used to be more. Well I also have been less. But who am I? All the time I ask myself this because I’m not always sure who I am. Who I’m supposed to be. I wish I had all the right answers. About love, life, just anything. Just really at least one right answer. I hardly know who I am at all right now. I’ve been lost for so long. Life is constantly changing and I’m supposed to evole with it. I can barely write. I’ve been trying too. Normal when I’m upset about something poetry just rolls out of me. For once I’m at a lose of real explanations of where I’m at.
But I’m positive I can find myself.
Keep pushing me away. Keep breaking my heart. Keep being mean to me. Keep giving yourself to other people.
I’m not one to mind if someone has friends but you mind when it comes to me. But my friends don’t want me like yours do. So they really aren’t friends to you are they.
I hate the way you treat me.
I miss the sweet girl.
But my birthdays close again so that means you’ll break my heart again soon.
It’s what you’ve done since you’ve changed
I really am done this time I will remember the good things about you
I will hold them close and not let this Break me completely
I hope that you can move past all the bad and remember me as good.
I cut the ties between us in hope that we both find true happiness.
As long as I am tied to you and this is your path I can not be happy.
I maybe broken for some time after but peace will find me eventually even if i have to wait for death to be the one to fulfill it.
I will love you always.
I know when I should not be with someone. In the aspect of I know that I would not be good for them. Nothing against me or them, just not everyone can be a fit. I would like to think in this I am wise in love.
As for knowing when someone shouldn’t be with me. That is another story all together. Anyone who has been in my blog long can attest the truth as well.
I’ve also asked a million times, who am I? I know more now then I did before. I am a lover in a world growing cold, I am a poet in a world only knowing celebrity gossip, I am different.
I still believe in true love and I know most think it’s a school girls fantasy. Is it though? Can something pure still happen in this world? Yes, the answer is simple and complex. Would you allow something great to happen or would you let fear, bitterness, or loneliness keep you just close enough to smell the truth but never divulge in the sensational taste of love.
Will you stay for someone who can never say anything wonderful about you? Will you stay for the one who plays with your heart as if it where a rag, cleaning up their messes with your heart.
Will you find a partner who respects you, adores you, listens to you when you’re sad. Someone who is your rock when your world is falling apart. Someone who is going to let you be all this back for them. Shared with a love so strong that storms may alter the waters but in a time of dark, each of you are your own light.
What will you decide to have?
What will I?
I’m not a needy woman.
I just like the basic connections.
I don’t want to be lied too.
I want to be treated like I matter.
I don’t want to be the only one trying.
I don’t want to be made a fool.
I hate being trailed along.
Tonight I don’t even know where to begin with my thought process of this writing. What will later seem like I can’t shut about about struggles to find the right way to began to come to life.
Have you ever noticed that if you ever did something to someone, that later on if they do it to you, you still end up being the person in the wrong. Again.
It’s easy to call people names, tell them they are bad in some way. I’m an offender of such. I have let my mouth get away and say things that have better ways to be said.
If you are consistently telling someone they are shitty, bitchy, whining, not strong enough, etc. then yes eventually they will find themselves as shitty as you say. Why? Because even those of us that “don’t care what others think of us” we still care what the ones we love think. It is natural too. If someone loves you, even if they hate you actually, you should be watchful of what your mouth may speak into this already harsh world.
Let us learn to speak more gently to one another. For what you speak truly does come to life.
A small moment to wonder.
Why most are so careless to feeling of ones they are supposed to love
Today’s time to write is brought to you by changing the schedule to close so I could sleep in but still woke up at 6. Then spending two hours trying to go back to sleep. It’s very peaceful this morning. My neighbors kids are still asleep, so no wall banging.
I moved out of my country house and back into town. Into the worst apartment ever. The worst landlords. I miss the country house, not the drive though.
It’s been a while. Always more promises of writing. Never actually finding the time.
The time I’m finding at this moment is walking to unlock the door for work. Turning off an alarm that likes to be difficult Off.
Reading all the tacky notes this old man leaves who hates me because he is in his 60s and I’m 27. I’m his boss, for the second time. He does everything he can to make it look like I’m failing. I’m doing his paper work for last night. It has to be done before the morning can start. Yet I’m the bad manager.
Every moment at this place is hell. My air conditioner doesn’t even work.
Let’s turn on the fryers. My cook will be mad if their job isn’t done.
Not to mention my life still revolves around “T”
Who wants me. But doesn’t.
I stay around.
My job sucks.
My home life sucks.
I’ve felt like crying all day for the past few days.
I don’t though. I can’t, there isn’t any time for it at the moment. So I hold it in, I smile, and I work hard helping my team. Being a great boss who is equally hated and liked.
I never thought I’d be this adult. I guess I always believed I’d be more by now. I have to be more then this. I can not spend the rest of my life as the general manager of a food place. I mean there isn’t anything wrong with this profession. It’s just not meant for me.